Support and keep Texans Talk going. Make a donation here.

An open letter to Cal on why I should be the next Head Coach of the Texans

wasntme

Practice Squad
Cal,
I should be the next Head Coach of the Houston Texans. I know the normal protocol is to send your office my resume. However, I also know that this an 'outside-of-the-box' organization.
Before you ask, no, I have zero coaching experience, however neither does one of your leading candidates. I have been an armchair Coach for over 45 years, that is much more experience than any of your leading candidates.

Here are some of MY qualifications:
-I know that I would NOT run the ball on EVERY SINGLE first down, that one of your previous head coaches did.
-I know that I would have better time management skills, that your last two head coaches had.
-I know that I would NOT have my rookie 1st round QB working with the 2nd string offense during training camp. All the while touting my starting QB which should have been 2nd string - neglecting precious learning time.
-I would NOT make foolish game decisions, such as going for a first down on 4th down, and then punting on 4th down would I should have gone for a 1st down.
-Also, I have won my fantasy football league several times, and I KNOW that I would not make foolish trades that hinder the organization for years to come.
(Actually my fantasy league would have vetoed some of those trades, I have no idea how those trades were even allowed to take place).

I know this a very cheap frugal organization, so I would think of creative ways to compensate my salary, such as cutting back on our 'bubble gum' supply by 98%.
I look forward to hearing from you, Tommy Boy Cal.

Sincerely,
D.C. Watts
 

Lucky

Trust Me. I Know What I'm Doing.
Staff member
Your application has been rejected. There was no reference to team culture or how you would improve it. Or welcome Nick Caserio on the head sets on gameday. Or how you are okay with Nick and Jack Easterby selecting your assistant coaches.

Signed,
Team Texans
 

Texansphan

Hall of Fame
Cal,
I should be the next Head Coach of the Houston Texans. I know the normal protocol is to send your office my resume. However, I also know that this an 'outside-of-the-box' organization.
Before you ask, no, I have zero coaching experience, however neither does one of your leading candidates. I have been an armchair Coach for over 45 years, that is much more experience than any of your leading candidates.

Here are some of MY qualifications:
-I know that I would NOT run the ball on EVERY SINGLE first down, that one of your previous head coaches did.
-I know that I would have better time management skills, that your last two head coaches had.
-I know that I would NOT have my rookie 1st round QB working with the 2nd string offense during training camp. All the while touting my starting QB which should have been 2nd string - neglecting precious learning time.
-I would NOT make foolish game decisions, such as going for a first down on 4th down, and then punting on 4th down would I should have gone for a 1st down.
-Also, I have won my fantasy football league several times, and I KNOW that I would not make foolish trades that hinder the organization for years to come.
(Actually my fantasy league would have vetoed some of those trades, I have no idea how those trades were even allowed to take place).

I know this a very cheap frugal organization, so I would think of creative ways to compensate my salary, such as cutting back on our 'bubble gum' supply by 98%.
I look forward to hearing from you, Tommy Boy Cal.

Sincerely,
D.C. Watts
Too late, I already threw my hat into the ring yesterday.
Besides, I would do it for a tenth of what he paid the last guy!
 

Texian

Hall of Fame
Cal,
I should be the next Head Coach of the Houston Texans. I know the normal protocol is to send your office my resume. However, I also know that this an 'outside-of-the-box' organization.
Before you ask, no, I have zero coaching experience, however neither does one of your leading candidates. I have been an armchair Coach for over 45 years, that is much more experience than any of your leading candidates.

Here are some of MY qualifications:
-I know that I would NOT run the ball on EVERY SINGLE first down, that one of your previous head coaches did.
-I know that I would have better time management skills, that your last two head coaches had.
-I know that I would NOT have my rookie 1st round QB working with the 2nd string offense during training camp. All the while touting my starting QB which should have been 2nd string - neglecting precious learning time.
-I would NOT make foolish game decisions, such as going for a first down on 4th down, and then punting on 4th down would I should have gone for a 1st down.
-Also, I have won my fantasy football league several times, and I KNOW that I would not make foolish trades that hinder the organization for years to come.
(Actually my fantasy league would have vetoed some of those trades, I have no idea how those trades were even allowed to take place).

I know this a very cheap frugal organization, so I would think of creative ways to compensate my salary, such as cutting back on our 'bubble gum' supply by 98%.
I look forward to hearing from you, Tommy Boy Cal.

Sincerely,
D.C. Watts
Your application has been rejected. There was no reference to team culture or how you would improve it. Or welcome Nick Caserio on the head sets on gameday. Or how you are okay with Nick and Jack Easterby selecting your assistant coaches.

Signed,
Team Texans
There was no mention of how much you enjoy sitting on the floor, playing video games, and how that is your most favorite thing in life. Had you included this in your resume you would have been a shoe in for the job. You did not so your request has been denied.
 
Last edited:

Mangler

Hall Of Famer
Had you specified identifying as black, you would have been called in (by every nfl team with an opening at HC) for an interview immediately. But, you didn’t! Blame your slow thinking.
 

Jack Burton

Veteran
There was no mention of how you enjoy sitting on the floor, playing video games, is your most favorite thing in life. Had you included this in your resume you would have been a shoe in for the job. You did not so your request has been denied.
He also neglected his membership as a disciple of the XXXCHURCH. I just don’t understand how he left that out and it will cost him.
 

KA4Texan

Potatoes Have Eyes Everywhere!!
Contributor's Club
How cute.

Acting as if Cal can read big paragraphs without pictures.

IF you were serious it would look something like this:

Cal,
d67879df6ad5a8abafc868ed34853d78.jpeg

IF I can't I will

98340574142bd89769b64caf44fff88e7f112b50772552dc998ba9d01df58ec8.jpg

So I will never speak against you or your team.

Thank you for your time.
e51331a0b69b4de32f0c8912c72be937.jpeg
 

Porky

Hall of Fame
No mention of culture? And how will you lead the team in prayer?

These are the most important parts of any football team. Get back to us with those items and we'll consider your application post-haste.

Signed,

Jack Easterby
 

Pollardized

Division Champ
No wonder because without strong references to ones Christianity JE is not takin an interview with any job applicant, for any position, i.e., non Jesus-freaks need not apply.
Did I tell you guys that my friend JJ Moses was fired by Jack and BOB for being “too positive” and not a “fit for the culture” they were building? JJ is one of the most honest, good, Christian people I have ever known. I really don’t think those asshats on Kirby know what culture means.
 

steelbtexan

King of the W. B. Club
Contributor's Club
Did I tell you guys that my friend JJ Moses was fired by Jack and BOB for being “too positive” and not a “fit for the culture” they were building? JJ is one of the most honest, good, Christian people I have ever known. I really don’t think those asshats on Kirby know what culture means.
So they're anti Christian down on Kirby, despite seeming otherwise?
 

Pollardized

Division Champ
So they're anti Christian down on Kirby, despite seeming otherwise?
Or maybe you just have to be a certain type of Christian to fit their narrative 🤷🏻‍♂️ Whatever it is, JJ Moses didn’t qualify so Jack and BOB fired him. I’ve known JJ about 10 years, I was an usher with him at Lakewood Church when I was into that stuff. He is a real Christian, he doesn’t just talk it, he lives and breathes it.
 

IDEXAN

Hall of Fame
Contributor's Club
Did I tell you guys that my friend JJ Moses was fired by Jack and BOB for being “too positive” and not a “fit for the culture” they were building? JJ is one of the most honest, good, Christian people I have ever known. I really don’t think those asshats on Kirby know what culture means.
I dunno wonder what approximate % of NFL players are of the Muslim faith, significant if not substantial # I'd guess ?
Anyway that could certainly be problematic for an organization like the Texans if it's true that JE has as much power and influence in regards to the teams "culture" as reported by some.
 


Top