J.J. Watt. Wait, it’s not? Well, that’s a waste. Anyway, the Texans won themselves the Brian Hoyer Sweepstakes and are now the proud owners of a failed Browns QB who had a TD:INT ratio of 1:8 in his final four starts. Christ. Hoyer will be competing with pituitary disorder victim Ryan Mallett for the starting job. Looking forward to the day Houston trades for Jimmy Garoppolo and Matt Cassel so that all four failed Tom Brady backups can be housed under a single roof. ONE OF THEM MUST HAVE GOTTEN SOME BRADY ON HIM COME ON GUYS.
What’s new that sucks: Did I mention that Andre Johnson is gone and Arian Foster is already hurt? Picture a black hole in outer space. Now picture that black hole getting sucked into an even greater black hole. That is the Texans offense. This will be a painful season. Just one goddamn struggle after another. I’d rather watch a man in a wheelchair try to put together an Ikea dinette set.
What has always sucked: I’ve said far too many nice things already about Watt, who is quickly growing into the most annoying player in football. We’re close, people. We’re THIS close to Watt throwing down a #BlueLivesMatter hashtag. J.J. Watt is the living wet dream of every commenter at ProFootballTalk. When our supremely fucked-up football culture looks at itself in the mirror, Watt is what it sees: a big humorless white dolt who presents himself as his own private branch of the U.S. military, who supposedly eats, sleeps, and breathes FOOTBAW and goes off into the forest every offseason to train for the sport like a real life version of the first hour of Batman Begins. Listening to hot takers praise Watt makes me want to blow up the sun…
