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[DeadSpin]Why your team sucks 2013: Houston Texans

thunderkyss

thunderkyss

Just win baby!!!
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Your coach: Gary Kubiak, who always makes sure to tip his hairdresser a little something extra any time she gives him the "Full Saban." Now flip up that microphone so you can do some real face-to-face yellin', Coach! It's the modern-day coaching equivalent of putting your sunglasses on top of your head. YOU MUST RESPECT THE AUTHORITY OF MY HEADSET.
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Your quarterback: Angry kabob vendor Matt Schaub, who is quarterbacking's version of a pitcher who "gives you innings." You have already seen the best of Matt Schaub. He will get no better. You know how Joe Flacco is a boring quarterback who magically improves in the postseason? Matt Schaub is just like that, minus the magic part.
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Everybody knows the real Browns are in Baltimore. That team wearing the Browns uniforms are pretenders. :)

So, claiming that their misery is somehow superior to ours was a swing and a miss. Other than that, pretty funny.
 
paycheck71 said:
Everybody knows the real Browns are in Baltimore. That team wearing the Browns uniforms are pretenders. :)

So, claiming that their misery is somehow superior to ours was a swing and a miss. Other than that, pretty funny.
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Their fans misery hasn't changed any. I'm sure most fans of the old Browns teams didn't just start rooting for the Ravens, just like most Oilers fans didn't start cheering for the Titans.
 
TexanSam said:
Their fans misery hasn't changed any. I'm sure most fans of the old Browns teams didn't just start rooting for the Ravens, just like most Oilers fans didn't start cheering for the Titans.
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That's the whole point. The guy is claiming we can't be diehards because we didn't grow up with the team. And then throwing the Browns out as an example of fans who've been miserable with their team forever. None of the current Browns fans grew up with Browns v2.0
 
Loved this one:

The four worst Texans ever:

1. David Carr

2. David Carr's family

3. Loretta Devine

4. Steve Slaton. Remember that one year when Slaton was a first-round fantasy draft choice and then IMMEDIATELY lost his job? Steve Slaton is a BAG OF ****.
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Obviously they posted on the old board and argued with Hulk75.
 
Your 2012 record: 12-4. Only four of those victories came against teams with winning records. When you win the AFC South, you amass the majority of your wins in the bowels of CBS's Sunday afternoon schedule, with Bill Macatee on play-by-play and some sort of talking walrus doing the color commentary. Whenever the Texans were let out of that broadcasting spiderhole to play a REAL team (Packers, Patriots) last season, they were obliterated.
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You can watch the Texans all season long and think to yourself, Hey! They're kind of not ****ty! THAT COULD BE A TEAM THAT GOES PLACES! You can talk yourself into thinking that they're ready to unseat a traditional AFC superpower. You can get really excited about that prospect! You can envision them dethroning the Patriots in your mind and it SEEMS so very plausible. And then the time comes for them to actually play and they fall behind 31-13 before you've even had a chance to open up a bag of chips. And you think to yourself, God, I'm so dumb! I should have known that they had no ****ing prayer!
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Tell me you haven't had that train of thought go through your head as a Texans fan.
 
eriadoc said:
Tell me you haven't had that train of thought go through your head as a Texans fan.
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Too often:

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eriadoc said:
Tell me you haven't had that train of thought go through your head as a Texans fan.
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I thought about it. But we put a whup'n on Denver & Baltimore & pretty much ended Chicago's play off hopes. Can't win them all. Nobody else does.
 
thunderkyss said:
I thought about it. But we put a whup'n on Denver & Baltimore & pretty much ended Chicago's play off hopes. Can't win them all. Nobody else does.
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Well sure. But only the most delusional thought the Texans were going to beat the Pats in the playoffs.
 
eriadoc said:
Well sure. But only the most delusional thought the Texans were going to beat the Pats in the playoffs.
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The thought would have seemed a lot less delusional, had the Texans been going into the playoffs playing the way they were earlier in the season. I was hoping for the best, but didn't really expect it to happen, largely based on their poor performance in the last 4 games of the regular season.
 
At this point, we have had a period in time where we were the best team in the NFL (when, yes, everyone was really trying); but, it just wasn't at the end of the year or in the playoffs. Maybe we will do it again in the playoffs some time in the future. Maybe not, but it was pretty much inevitable that it would happen at a less important time first.

Some teams also go through being one of the best at the end of a season, but they sucked so bad early that they don't even make the playoffs. This can even happen to a team that then comes out and sucks again the next year. One difference is that they are not usually THE BEST.

We were THE BEST in the NFL for a while. Now we just need to sustain it when it really matters most.

All you can do is keep trying.
 
paycheck71 said:
The thought would have seemed a lot less delusional, had the Texans been going into the playoffs playing the way they were earlier in the season. I was hoping for the best, but didn't really expect it to happen, largely based on their poor performance in the last 4 games of the regular season.
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I had the Patriots handily beating the Ravens in the AFC Championship game. & I knew San Francisco was going to win the Super Bowl.

Both teams were playing much better than the Ravens the previous week. The Bradies whupped us & Kaepernick was a one man highlight reel. & that defense...

The Ravens got really, really, really lucky two weeks in a row going into New England & they got really lucky to beat San Francisco.

Nothing wrong with being lucky, I'm just saying the Ravens weren't playing any better than we were going into the play offs. Ray Rice, their best player pretty much disappeared & Flacco stepped up (becoming their best player).

I was hoping we'd get some of that luck that won the Detroit game for us.
 
eriadoc said:
Tell me you haven't had that train of thought go through your head as a Texans fan.
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I laughed out loud at the "Hey! They're kind of not shitty!" part. :heh:

The whole thing was funny. Can't take any of that personal. They will most likely profile every team...I assume
 
On the radio the other day they trolled all their listeners...They had a fake Cowboy fan call up and mimic that rant....

Oh man...So many people called up wanting to give that cowboys fan a piece of their mind...

Radio guys said they wanted to see how people would react if they thought it was a Cowboy fan instead of a deadspin article......

Not sure what point they were trying to prove or if they even had one...but it was kind of funny to listen to...
 
thunderkyss said:
I'm not lying...... I was in that group.
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As am I.

And I prefer hopeful to delusional.

Who goes into Belichick's & Brady's house thinking there isn't a chance they'll lose? That would be delusional.

But I thought we were better than we showed - especially defensively. My hopefulness rested with J.J. and Wade.
 
ObsiWan said:
As am I.

And I prefer hopeful to delusional.

Who goes into Belichick's & Brady's house thinking there isn't a chance they'll lose? That would be delusional.

But I thought we were better than we showed - especially defensively. My hopefulness rested with J.J. and Wade.
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The difference between hope and expectation can be delusion. We all hoped the Texans would win, but most of us knew in our hearts they would probably get their asses kicked. And they did.
 
eriadoc said:
The difference between hope and expectation can be delusion. We all hoped the Texans would win, but most of us knew in our hearts they would probably get their asses kicked. And they did.
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Yeah, I was in the "hope" "stranger things have happened" and "damn it, it's high time Houston won one of these" train of thought. No REAL expectations of winning, though.
 
thunderkyss said:
I thought about it. But we put a whup'n on Denver & Baltimore & pretty much ended Chicago's play off hopes. Can't win them all. Nobody else does.
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Lol exactly. Texans have won big primetime games, it just seems like the ones they have lost recently have been one sided...and you know the ones they've won has been one sided too. He pointed out two of the ones we lost but none of the big games we won...meh.
 
fiasco west said:
Lol exactly. Texans have won big primetime games, it just seems like the ones they have lost recently have been one sided...and you know the ones they've won has been one sided too. He pointed out two of the ones we lost but none of the big games we won...meh.
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Were the Denver and Baltimore wins last year on prime time? I could have sworn those were either 4 pm or noon games. The one against Chicago was a night game.

Other than that (if you want to call that mud fest 1960's-esque game against Chicago a gem of an awesome win) what are the Texans other huge prime time wins?

All I can remember is the beating against Seattle, GB, and whatever fill in the blank team you want to name. I'm sure there are a few prime time wins the Texans have but I feel like the losses on prime time (and boy were they LOSSES and save me the "loss is a loss" fap fap fap) outnumber the wins by a decent margin.

Hoping Texans change that around this year finally! That article was funny though.
 
HTown2ATX said:
Other than that (if you want to call that mud fest 1960's-esque game against Chicago a gem of an awesome win) what are the Texans other huge prime time wins?
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A win is a win.

When you've got one team that likes to control the clock & manage the whole game going against a team that likes to push the tempo & run up the score, you're going to get some ugly games.

Had we got on top of the Packers or the Patriots, it very well could have looked just as one sided our way. We weren't able to, I know.

But think about that when we give Wade so much credit for turning this team around. The offense drives everything. If the offense isn't doing what it needs to do, the defense will give up 41 points.


We have to score & we have to keep our guys rested. If we can't do that, it doesn't matter who our DC is. Not with the way the league is going.
 
thunderkyss said:
A win is a win.

When you've got one team that likes to control the clock & manage the whole game going against a team that likes to push the tempo & run up the score, you're going to get some ugly games.

Had we got on top of the Packers or the Patriots, it very well could have looked just as one sided our way. We weren't able to, I know.

But think about that when we give Wade so much credit for turning this team around. The offense drives everything. If the offense isn't doing what it needs to do, the defense will give up 41 points.


We have to score & we have to keep our guys rested. If we can't do that, it doesn't matter who our DC is. Not with the way the league is going.
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On the stat column for W's and L's for sure, a win is a win and a loss is a loss. But it feels like we're trying to say (the generic "we're" obviously) that the Texans have these bunches of prime time wins and/or lopsided prime time wins. I feel like it's pretty lopsided in both the W and L stat on the Texans history in prime time games being losses not to mention what the score was in most of those losses.

"We" love to say "wow we beat the hell out of Denver and Baltimore...see....see...." but when the Texans get smoked it's "a loss is a loss". Which is what we kept trying to tell each other towards the end of last season when in reality sometimes a loss is a sign of what is wrong and things to come, not just a tick on the stat line.

Anyway, not trying to start that whole debate necessarily, just saying, I feel like not every single W and L is "just a W or L" you know.

Agreed on the offense though needing to pick it up. Someone please get Schaub some shields and guards for this season.

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