Smack Jokes

Discussion in 'The Blazing Arrow "Rivalry Talk"' started by Brando, Oct 4, 2007.

  1. Brando

    Brando Site Contributor

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    A Texans Fan walks into a Titans bar and shouts, “All Titans Fans are a********s!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.

    Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”

    The Texans Fan says, “Why? Are you a Titans Fan?”

    “No, I’m an a********.”

    :splits:
     
    YellerLotYeller likes this.
  2. Brando

    Brando Site Contributor

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    How many Titans Fans does it take to eat a possum?
    Three. One to eat it, and two to watch for cars.
     
  3. Brando

    Brando Site Contributor

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    Dear Bud,

    I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Tennessee family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

    This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

    It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

    The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.



    About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

    Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

    Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

    Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

    Love, Ma
     
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  4. Silver Oak

    Silver Oak Hall of Fame

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    rep!
     
  5. Blazing Arrow

    Blazing Arrow Work'n da grill

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    Great photos of the Texans in the playoffs:

    [​IMG]
     
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  6. YellerLotYeller

    YellerLotYeller nice marmot

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    Double rep
     
  7. Brando

    Brando Site Contributor

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    A Texans Fan in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Titans joke?"

    The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Titans Fan. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Titans Fan. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Titans Fan. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

    The Texans Fan says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."


    :splits:
     
  8. Brando

    Brando Site Contributor

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    One foggy night, a Texans fan and a Titans fan were driving the opposite directions on a road near Austin. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

    The Titans fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

    Likewise, the Texans fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

    The Titans fan walks over to the Texans fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

    The Texans fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

    The Texans fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged 6 pack of Budweiser. He says to the Titans fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Titans fan agrees and grabs the 6 pack. After sucking down 3 beers, the Titans fan hands it back to the Texans fan and says, "Your turn!"

    The Texans fan calmly grabs the 3 beers that is left, throws the rest of the beer over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."
     
  9. Brando

    Brando Site Contributor

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    Vince Young trying out for the HS Football Team.

    Vince Young figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
    "Watch this," said the Vince, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

    "Wow," said the Coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

    "Of course I can run," said Vince. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

    "Great!" enthused the Coach. "But can you pass a football?"
    Vince rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Nobody can tell me nothing I cain't do". Very determined Vince said "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
     
  10. Brando

    Brando Site Contributor

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    Short but sweet.......


    :specnatz:
     
  11. Brando

    Brando Site Contributor

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    Billy came home from playing the weeky kids neighborhood football game to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home from the Titans game in his usual game face paint and Titans jersey Billy said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

    His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

    "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from another Titans game, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

    "What do you mean?" said Dad.

    "Well Dad, I got home from playing football today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle Jimbo holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
     
  12. Brando

    Brando Site Contributor

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    For years a Texans fan and his wife,who was a Titans fan, were at odds on what game to watch in Austin. At halftime of the Texans game he decided to make a beer run. He also picked up a Lotto Texas ticket for Saturday Night. He won and was excited.


    The Texans fan bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"

    She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for California or for the mountains of Tennessee so we can be close to the Titans all year?"

    He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!" I'm buying KEYE and firing Gary Vinson and make KEYE the real home of Texans football.

    [​IMG]
     
  13. Brando

    Brando Site Contributor

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    This Bud, is for you........


    mr. really bad toupee wearer

    bud light presents real american heroes
    (real american heroes)
    today we salute you, mr. really bad toupee wearer
    (mr. really bad toupee wearer)
    more than any neon sign or exploding scoreboard ever could, your chrome dome cover says "hey guys, look at me"
    (what could you be thinking)
    you think it looks natural, but it couldn't look phonier if it had a chin strap
    (couldn't fool a blind man)
    made of space-age fibers, it can repel anything: rain, wind, snow, and especially young women
    (i don't think so)
    so crack open an ice cold bud light Mr. Bud in a rug, then crack open another for that thing in your head
    (i don't think it's on straight)


    :user:

    The Bud Dome does exist after all......
     
  14. Brando

    Brando Site Contributor

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    Vince Young's Temper



    An award should go to the Airline gate attendant in Tennessee some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with Vince who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

    A crowded Airline flight was cancelled after it's 767s had been > >withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry Vince pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

    The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." Vince was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

    Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "**** You!"

    Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
     

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