Los Angeles, CA--The Oakland Raiders field is closed and will not be open for the next two weeks due to an excessive amount of piss left on the field in last Sunday's game. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is looking into the matter this week, according to league sources. Nomar Yourin, Raiders field maintenance supervisor, said, "We're using commercial-sized fans, absorbent materials, anything we can get our hands on. I've never seen THIS much pee on a field in my whole career here." Dr. Ima Leekin, Raiders internal medicine specialist, reported the Raiders quarterback is in stable condition after a 34-21 loss to the Houston Texans. "We had to remove Mr. Gradkowski's bladder after the game, and replace it with a donor's bladder. When you lose THAT much urine, in such a violent manner, the bladder is often put into such shock that it has to be removed." Several Raiders players were treated for post-traumatic syndrome following the relentless punishment dealt by Bernard Pollard of the Texans. "Look, I'm not going to name names here," said team psychologist Dick Trickle, "but I've got a few guys who told me they haven't slept well last night. Some of them are wetting their beds. Night terrors. It's real bad." Bernard Pollard was reached for comment, replying to the accusations with words we could not print.