Look, Larry Johnson deserves another chance. Staying that long in K.C., with the teams they have fielded for the past several years, can do strange things to men. And it's only getting weirder with the psycho coach they have now. I mean, the guy took away their reserved parking spaces that were assigned higher values by how close the spot was to the door. Maniac! Here's my pitch, in my best gameshow announcer voice: Larry Johnson, step right up. You're the next contestant on "Who Wants to Win A Running Back Job in Houston." That's right, for the remainder of this season YOU could play on a team that's actually competing for a playoff spot. You'll spend countless days around high-quality NFL players such as Andre Johnson, DeMeco Ryans, Mario Williams, and the new guy "Cush"...all of whom will help you understand the ins and outs of keeping your sanity through hard times and adversity. Over the next seven games, you might have a chance to drive up your value and either re-negotiate terms with the Texans or use us as a stepping stone to a bigger contract with another team. Regardless of the outcome, by signing with the Houston Texans you will receive the following parting gifts: 1. A "Hey, Where's The Sandwich Platter?!?" t-shirt from John McClain. 2. A pair of specially-designed NFL gameday shoes, created by Dunta Robinson, featuring sides made of dry-erase board so you can custom-make your own unique slogan for each game. 3. A tube of super glue, a suitcase handle, and gameday pants with the seat made out of bubble-gum from Steve Slaton. A sure hit for those "Oops!" moments every NFL running back encounters 15 or 16 times per year. On average. Give or take 10 fumbles. 4. And, last but not least...A booklet entitled "Guide to Phantom Sports Injuries" left behind by Travis Johnson. That's right, learn how to eek out numerous days upon days of mundane training and practice situations with such common maladies as "Crotch Rot," and "Heebie Jeebies," or the ever-popular and constantly misdiagnosed condition of "Fatassatitis." Sponsors of this gameshow include: 1. www.monster.com (when you need a running back, and you need him yesterday!) 2. 60-minute Energy Drink (Because NFL games are longer than 30 minutes, aren't they?) 3. Denny's Diner & Coaching Cheat Sheet Company 4. Extenze male enhancement (when you need just a few more inches to get the job done) oh no he didn't!