http://walterfootball.com/draft2008aprilfools.php 2008 Mock Draft: April Fools Edition Last update: April Fools 2008. Next update: Real mock update WEDNESDAY. This is an April Fools version of my 2008 NFL Mock Draft. This is satire. Don't take anything on this page seriously. Click here to view my real 2008 NFL Mock Draft, which will be updated tomorrow. Meanwhile, I hope you enjoy this edition. 1. Miami Dolphins: Vinny Testaverde, QB, Miami Part of what makes the NFL Draft so exciting is the plethora of unexpected picks throughout the first couple of rounds. Much like the Texans in 2006 when they chose Mario Williams over Reggie Bush, the Dolphins seemed to dupe everyone who was expecting one of the two Longs to be selected with the initial pick. "I got sick and tired of hearing about this, 'You have to draft Chris Long, Jake Long or Matt Ryan' crap, OK!?" Bill Parcells bellowed to hundreds of reporters. "I like veteran quarterbacks, OK? Not some kid who was crapping in his diapers when I was coaching the Patriots. And don't get me started on Chris Long. His dad's haircut stinks. That just proves to me that he's not ready to play in this league. This kid's been learning from that clown for 23 years. In my opinion, that stinks. I trust Vinny not to turn the ball over. He's my quarterback." Testaverde was not available for comment, as he was too busy drooling all over his bib at the old age home. 2. St. Louis Rams: Marc Bulger Stunt Double, QB, West Virginia St. Louis' failure to address the offensive line, with the exception of the signing of Jacob Bell, had the entire Rams fanbase concerned. On Draft Day, Scott Linehan ensured the navy-and-gold faithful that Marc Bulger's broken ribs count would be cut in half in 2008. "Look, it's no secret that our offensive line is garbage. Orlando Pace is always injured, and Alex Barron has no clue what he's doing. We didn't address our line because we planned on drafting a Marc Bulger stunt double the whole time." Linehan explained that he plans on confusing defenses by putting two Marc Bulgers in shotgun on every single play. "They won't know which one's real. They look the same, and they're going to switch jerseys after every play. Or maybe they won't switch. The other team just won't know. You can only hit one guy, right? Well, we have two quarterbacks now! Ha! Who needs an offensive line now, suckers!?" 3. Atlanta Falcons: Bobby Petrino Restraining Order Just as Roger Goodell was about to announce Atlanta's selection, Arthur Blank stormed up to the podium and screeched, "With the third pick, we're taking a Bobby Petrino Restraining Order!" Blank was unavailable for comment, as he had to attend his meeting for "Men with Cheesy Moustaches," along with Adam Morrison, Dave Wannstedt and Rosie O'Donnell. Joey Harrington, found strolling in the courtyard of his own castle, talked to reporters. "Gosh, yeah, I saw Bobby Petrino in our locker room the other day. He was sweating and everything. He badgered everyone. He kept begging, 'I know, I know, I stole money from Louisville to come here, and then I stole money from the Falcons to go to Arkansas, but please, oh please, I need more cash! Can you give me some spare change. Please!!!!' "It was pretty embarrassing," Harrington continued. "And believe me, I know a thing or two about humiliation. Just look at my career. But this Petrino guy takes the cake... Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to begin eating caviar and playing the piano." 4. Oakland Raiders: Sacrificial Maiden, Cheerleader, Oregon By signing a plethora of crappy players coming off ACL injuries, everyone has assumed that Al Davis is making one more desperate push for a Super Bowl. Apparently, he's just a clueless GM. The Raiders spent the No. 4 overall pick in the draft on one of the hot Oregon cheerleaders. A bedroom slave of Al Davis'? Not so much. Davis' business partner, coincidentally named Lucifer, elaborated: "Yes, we need a defensive end and offensive line help, but what we really need is for Al to stay alive. So, we drafted this young blond cheerleader so Al can seep the youth out of her and use it replenish his body. "Al needs to do this every 70 years or so," Lucifer continued. "He's really 540,171 years old. He's done this countless times, so it's no biggie. Only takes an hour or so, and then he's good to go. Expect some more crappy free agents to be signed next month! We haven't signed any recently because Al's been too busy scouting cheerleaders." 5. Kansas City Chiefs: Louis Irizarry, TE, Youngstown State The Chiefs continued to ignore their need for offensive front help, eschewing a lineman in favor of a tight end, despite the fact that they have Tony Gonzalez in the lineup. Carl Peterson was busy putting gel in hair, and was consequently unavailable for comment. Herm Edwards addressed the puzzled fans of Kansas City instead: "Everyone is saying we need an offensive tackle, everyone is saying we need an offensive tackle. Well you know what? We need a backup tight end too. Hello! Not a starting tight end, not a starting tight end; a backup tight end. A backup tight end! Hello! A backup tight end!" Edwards explained that he and Peterson looked for the worst-ranked tight end on the WalterFootball.com 2008 NFL Draft Tight End Rankings, just to be sure the player they were taking was indeed a backup; not a starter. Edwards gushed that Louis Irizarry was a perfect fit in his offense: "You know what we like to do, you know what we like to do. Hello! We run on first down... OK? We run on first down up the middle. Then, we run outside on second down. And then, we hit 'em by throwing short on third down! And we do that to win the game. Hello! We play... to win... the game!!!" Edwards had to be restrained and was then shipped off to a mental institution, where he spent the rest of the afternoon playing Connect 4 with his new pal, Lenny. 6. New York Jets: Offensive Coordinating For Dummies Book If you weren't reading this site during the regular season, I compiled a bunch of stats after the Jets' Thanksgiving Day disaster in Dallas, arguing that offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer should be fired for being the most inept person at his position in the NFL. In short, in the first three quarters, he called a run on first down 11 of New York's 14 possessions, which put an immense amount of pressure on his quarterback. The Jets gained an average of six yards in those 11 series, whereas they managed an average of 14 yards on the other three drives. For more on this, check out my 2007 Week 12 Wrap-Up for more details. For the sake of Jets fans everywhere, let's hope the front office drafts one of these for Schottenheimer. He'd be thrilled to learn there are such things like play-action, draws and end-arounds. I just hope all of this new information doesn't overload Schottenheimer's brain and make him like George Minkowski. 7. New England Patriots: Rich Rodriguez, TS, Michigan As a part of Roger Goodell's new "Eye for an Eye" policy, members of the NFL's front office bugged the Patriots' war room and distributed the audio to every other team in the league. The following is a part of their conversation: Robert Kraft: We really screwed up this year, guys. Bill Belichick: I know. We lost to some momma's boy in the Super Bowl despite having what people considered the best team ever. Scott Pioli: Yeah, and we also got caught cheating. Now, me might be in trouble for taping the Rams six years ago. Kraft: Ridiculous. Does anyone have a sandwich? Belichick: Dude, you've eaten 20 already. Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Scott? Pioli: Yeah. We need Rich Rodriguez. Kraft: Why? Belichick: He's an expert tape shredder. You're telling me you don't know what he did at West Virginia? He burnt, shredded and destroyed all the tapes he had. Now, the Mountaineers are hopeless without them! If we had him, we would have never gotten caught. Kraft: Wow, I'm with you. Let's get him. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to Arby's. 8. Baltimore Ravens: Cozy Vermont Home Brian Billick's firing marks the ending of an era in the Ravens' brief history. Now that Billick's gone, it's likely Kyle Boller may not make the team. With that in mind, Baltimore's front office was kind and compassionate enough to give the two lovebirds a parting gift. General manager Ozzie Newsome looked pleased with his No. 8 overall selection. "Seeing the relationship between Brian and Kyle develop over the past six years was such a joy," Newsome gushed. "Sure, there were the rough times, like when Kyle spotted Brian chatting with another quarterback, but that was just a platonic conversation. Every relationship has its struggles, but witnessing Kyle and Brian make up was such a pleasure. The fact that the two are still together makes me believe that there is true love in this cruel world. I'm... so... happy to award the two lovebirds with a cozy Vermont villa..." Newsome couldn't continue his press conference because he began crying uncontrollably. 9. Cincinnati Bengals: Tony Kornheiser, OLB, Binghamton When Tony Kornheiser joked about playing linebacker for the Bengals during one of the Monday Night Football telecasts, everyone assumed he was kidding. Even Kornheiser himself laughed it off. The message apparently didn't register in Cincinnati's front office. "We have no linebackers," Marvin Lewis declared. "We have no way of getting any new linebackers, so we had to think outside the box. Sure, Tony runs a 40 in 12.38 seconds and his vertical is only two inches, but we think he'll fit in great in our defense." Despite being questioned about why he didn't just draft Keith Rivers, Lewis kept raving about Kornheiser. "You know, we did pretty well with a guy who sells bowties for a living. Now we have a Washington Post journalist, slash ESPN analyst. There's no doubt in my mind that we're going to the Super Bowl." 10. New Orleans Saints: Pack of Peanut M&Ms Everyone was confused. Tons of reporters gathered around Sean Payton, wondering why he eschewed drafting a top-tier cornerback in favor of a pack of candy. Payton explained: "You guys think I'm dumb, don't you? Well, you know who likes M&Ms, don't you? Kids. Some kids are poor. Who helps poor kids? Charities. There's a certain player in the NFL known for his charity. That's right, it's Warrick Dunn. Dunn played with a player named Michael Jenkins the past few years. Michael Jenkins shares the last name as Mike Jenkins, the corner we really like. So, by drafting this pack of M&Ms, we're all but assured Mike Jenkins!" A reporter followed up, "So, why didn't you just draft Mike Jenkins?" The journalist didn't get an answer, however, as Payton threw a ping pong ball against the wall, which ricocheted onto a lamp, causing the bulb to flicker out. In the darkness, the journalist tripped over someone else's foot, landed on the back of his head and went into a coma. The bottom line? Don't mess with Sean Payton. He'll get his revenge, even if he does it in 10 steps. 11. Buffalo Bills: Red Lobster and Oregon Cheerleaders The Bills seemingly didn't care when Willis McGahee said, "There's an Applebee's, a TGI Friday's and they just got a Dave & Busters. They got that, and I'm like, 'What the?' And, you know, the women..." Dick Jauron addressed the team's decision to add a new restaurant and a batch of hot, young women to the city. "Most teams upgrade their roster. Well, most teams don't win a Super Bowl. We believe that if we had more quality eateries and hotter women, we'll be able to attract more quality free agents, unlike mediocre guys like William James-Peterson, Courtney Anderson and Spencer Johnson. With Red Lobster alone, we're confident we can land Reno Mahe, Darrell Jackson and B.J. Sams." Unfortunately, there was a problem. Al Davis already drafted one of the Oregon cheerleaders as a sacrificial maiden. Jauron, however, is confident he'll be able to pry her away by giving Davis a gallon of goat blood. 12. Denver Broncos: O.J. Simpson, RB, USC Mike Shanahan is known for taking chances on troubled players like Maurice Clarett, but now some are thinking that he's gone too far. Shanahan doesn't agree with that assessment. "We needed a running back, I got a running back... I don't see a problem with that," yelled the red-faced Shanahan. "I know O.J. has his off-the-field issues, but I look at them as a positive. The fact that he got away with the crimes he committed means he's an elusive back. And he's smart too - I heard he wrote a book or something." Simpson's book was never released, but you can get an overview of it at the official page for O.J. Simpson's How to Kill Your Wife in Six Easy Steps! 13. Carolina Panthers: Steve Smith Clone, WR, Utah For anyone watching or attending the draft, what the Panthers did at No. 13 was like experiencing deja vu. "Look, it's no secret that our offensive line... I mean our receiving corps is garbage," John Fox stuttered. "Other than Steve Smith, we have players who are either injured or have no clue what's going on. We didn't address the receivers because we planned on drafting a Marc... I mean Steve Smith stunt double the whole time." As reporters began whispering to one another, Fox took a moment to read a few words off his sweaty palm. "Uhhh... they won't know which one's teal... I mean real. Yeah, real. They look the same, and they're going to switch jerseys after every play. Or maybe they won't switch. The other team just won't know. You can only hit... I mean cover one guy, right? Well, we have two quarterbacks now! Ha! Who needs an offensive line now, suckers!? I mean ummm... huh?" Goodell called Carolina's blatant plagiarism of St. Louis' picks a black eye for the organization. "Man, they are really dumb," Goodell snickered. "They honestly thought they could get away with it? Ha! We'll be discussing a punishment for them next week. Don't be surprised if they don't have a first-round pick in 2009."