How to fake it on Super Bowl Sunday
Becky Jensen /
www.ChicksOnFootball.com
We have a foolproof plan for you football fledglings on Super Bowl Sunday. That's right ... fake it.
We know this may sound scary. You may be wondering, "Will they all know I'm faking my football knowledge?" But, there is no need to panic. Even the most crazed football fanatics will never be the wiser if you follow our advice closely.
The Chicks' Super Bowl Guide
As much as we would love to believe that everyone shares our passion and hunger for football knowledge, we realize that some folks simply want enough ammunition to survive the big game without total humiliation. So here are a few tips on how to look the part and talk the talk as you head to your Super Bowl bash.
The winning look
If you do not want to look like a football-watching rookie, you must first focus your attention on your attire. Now read carefully, ladies, because a fashion faux pas as minor as a crystal brooch can mess up your entire football ensemble. Real football fans do not show up to a game in Jimmy Choo heels or cashmere ponchos. Nor do they sport leather pants or micro-mini skirts.
The dress code is strictly casual but that does not mean sloppy. There is nothing wrong with showing off a little ... but please be subtle. In other words, do not look to Nicollette Sheridan or Paris Hilton to be your role models on this endeavor.
A suitable outfit could be jeans, a fitted T-shirt, fashionable sneakers and an NFL hat. But beware of the "cap trap." If you pick your NFL hat based on which team best matches your outfit, you may find yourself sporting a very attractive, yet unpopular Cardinals cap (a dead giveaway that you are a football faker since no one is a Cardinals fan these days!).
Picking your favorite Super Bowl contender is always a safe bet, but there is nothing wrong with being a "homer" and suiting up with your local team's cap. But just keep in mind that no Eagles fan wants to see a Cowboys cap at their party. You may get obscenities (or even worse, food) thrown at you. And we can guarantee that anyone you're trying to impress will pretend they don't even know you!
What to bring
One must never arrive at a football gathering empty handed. But what is a girl to bring? The answer is munchies. Save the cake and candy for your "girlie" parties (Tupperware, Mary Kay, etc.). Football games call for snacks of the Doritos and pretzel variety. There is no need to worry about the main course. The pizza can be delivered at halftime.
You also need to be careful not to bring the wrong beverage. It is not the time to share your prized Pinot Noir from last weekend's getaway to the vineyards. Beer is always the safest bet. And you won't be labeled a loser if you bring soda as well. After all, plenty of people "take it easy" on Sunday. Now here is a clincher if you really want to be the hero, call before you leave to see who wants a Starbucks coffee (or Dunkin' Donuts for our pals back in Boston!). It is not always easy to stay perky for eight hours of pregame hype and a drawn-out game, no matter how captivating the sport may be.
How to talk the talk
Now that we have covered the easy task of getting dressed and picking up a snack, it is time to bite into the tough stuff. You can only fool them for so long by looking the part eventually you will need to open your mouth. This part can get tricky because the appropriate comment is usually dictated by what is happening in the game. But do not fret some situations tend to come up frequently and we will arm you with the necessary football lingo to glide through the game.
Scenario No. 1: Quarterback (the man who starts most plays with his hands under the fat guy's butt) throws a wobbly pass and a player on the other team catches the ball.
You say ... What a duck! or ... He's no Peyton Manning!
Scenario No. 2: Fast guy runs all the way from one end of the field to the other resulting in a touchdown.
You say ... That guy's got wheels. or ... I've seen better coverage in Pop Warner games!
Scenario No. 3: Small non-athletic looking guy misses field-goal kick.
You say ... Choker! or ... Go back to soccer!
Scenario No. 4: Man with the ball drops it and a player for the other team picks it up.
You say ... Protect the ball, dude! or ... Butterfingers!
Scenario No. 5: The game is delayed while the pin-striped officials gather to debate a call.
You say ... Wrap it up, zebras! or ... Just let the boys play!
Scenario No. 6: Quarterback throws a hard pass to his receiver who catches the ball in stride.
You say ... What a gun! or ... That was a bullet!
Scenario No. 7: Big defensive player falls while trying to tackle a guy running with the ball.
You say ... He got faked out of his cleats! or ... Wow, that guy is slippery!
Scenario No. 8: The Patriots jump on top of the Eagles by 20 points or more.
You say ... The AFC sure kicked the NFC's butt this year! or ... This is a dynasty in New England!
We hope these bits of football jargon will help you ace the role of a football faker. But if a situation arises for which you have no remark, there is no need to panic. Football viewers who talk throughout the entire game are considered annoying. Therefore, pick your moments wisely and when the perfect opportunity arises, unleash one of your new football quips. I promise the crowd will be impressed!