Why dally with an overstatement?
By JOHN McCLAIN
Copyright 2006 Houston Chronicle
OK, Texans fans. Your wishes are my commands.
This week, owner Bob McNair will sell the team to someone who actually cares about winning.
Before McNair's news conference to announce he's selling the team, he will confess that after one game he has already figured out that the Texans made a horrible mistake by drafting defensive end Mario Williams over running back Reggie Bush.
McNair feels your pain. He'll beg your forgiveness. He'll admit, after one game, that he went brain-dead and bypassed Bush, who had the greatest first-game performance of any rookie in any sport in history, for Williams, who's already guaranteed of being a bigger bust than Ryan Leaf.
Other than selling the team, McNair isn't quite sure what the fans want him to do for allowing his new coach, Gary Kubiak, to make such a horrendous personnel decision.
To make it up to all those knowledgeable Texans fans who are justifiably outraged at the 0-1 record and Williams' inexcusable lack of sacks in his first NFL game, McNair is going to place him on waivers. Quarterback David Carr, too. They're worthless.
Situation is hopeless
McNair knows there's no need to try to trade Williams or Carr, because they're so bad even the most desperate teams won't be interested in them. McNair's going to cut both of them and let them get jobs in the real world because it's obvious to Texans fans they have no redeeming football qualities.
While he's at it, McNair will fire Kubiak. McNair doesn't care if Kubiak has 12 new starters, including five rookies. He doesn't want to hear Kubiak point out anymore that the Texans have played only one game.
McNair has been reading your e-mails and listening to sports talk shows. Like the fans, he's tired of Kubiak's excuses that he's put in new systems on both sides of the ball and that the team will improve, especially over the second half of the season when the schedule shouldn't be as difficult. He's impatient. He demands the Texans win now.
Yes, Kubiak has to go. We know after one game that he'll never be a legitimate head coach. He drafted Williams the biggest bust in the history of any sport at any level and lost the opener. Before a sellout crowd at home, no less. He'll never get another job, either, because he has no clue about the running game, pass protection or coaching quarterbacks.
There's just no other way out. The fans are right: Kubiak's pathetic excuse for an NFL team is 0-1 and guaranteed of getting the first pick in the draft for the third time in six years. It wouldn't matter. If McNair keeps the team, he will pass up Brady Quinn and Adrian Peterson for a guard from Baylor.
A waste of money
Right now, McNair is wondering why he was foolish enough to pay $700 million to bring the NFL back to Houston. Why he helped push through a referendum that approved revenue to build Reliant Stadium. Why he helped fund more than $1 billion in start-up costs for the NFL's 32nd team.
The season's already over. An 0-1 record. Unbelievable. A trip to Indianapolis. Hopeless. There's no way out other than to sell.
Although he won't admit it publicly, McNair's shocked that he has found a buyer. For obvious reasons, negotiations have been hush-hush. The buyer has to sell his other franchise, which should be done no later than Thursday. Then, once he and McNair sign the documents and their deal's completed, the new owner will give Texans fans everything they're demanding.
McNair is practicing the speech he'll make at the news conference. After he explains why he fired Kubiak and waived Williams and Carr, he'll apologize to the fans for passing up Bush. Then McNair will get choked up and clear his throat. Finally, he'll take a deep breath and announce what Texans fans are dying to hear:
"Ladies and gentlemen, it's with great pleasure that I introduce you to the new owner of the Houston Texans K.S. "Bud" Adams Jr.
"A trip to Indianapolis. Hopeless."
That sound you dont hear is Casserley's phone not ringing.
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