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Your dystopian Texans future

IlliniJen

IlliniJen

Hall of Fame
I try not to be a glass half empty type of person heading into the next season (and whose mind isn't already already onto 2014 to some extent?), but I decided to do a little "worse case/nightmare/what the hell is happening/is this hell?" scenario projecting.

This is probably not literally the worse possible outcome, but I decided it was so bizarro enough that it could possibly happen to this franchise seeing as this year is a nightmare...so why not extend that nightmare a wee bit further...

  • McNair retains ALL coaches and front office staff
  • With our first or second draft pick, we choose Derek Carr
  • Schaub is retained to mentor Carr Dos, becoming the most expensive backup in the league
  • Newton is still starting at RT
  • Fat Randy is still our kicker
  • A sinkhole opens up underneath Houston and sucks down the whole city during one of Kubiak's pressers

What is YOUR bizzaro worst scenario?
 
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IlliniJen said:
I try not to be a glass half empty type of person heading into the next season (and whose mind isn't already already onto 2014 to some extent?), but I decided to do a little "worse case/nightmare/what the hell is happening/is this hell?" scenario projecting.

This is probably not literally the worse possible outcome, but I decided it was so bizarro enough that it could possibly happen to this franchise seeing as this year is a nightmare...so why not extend that nightmare a wee bit further...

  • McNair retains ALL coaches and front office staff
  • With our first or second draft pick, we choose Derek Carr
  • Schaub is retained to mentor Carr Dos, becoming the most expensive backup in the league
  • Newton is still starting at RT
  • Fat Randy is still our kicker
  • A sinkhole opens up underneath Houston and sucks down the whole city during one of Kubiak's pressers

What is YOUR worst scenario?
Click to expand...

I wouldn't be surprised if Schaub is retained as our #2. $10mil out of his $14mil is dead money and there could certainly be worse back ups that would could get.

Newton starting is unfortunately a real possibility.

Randy is a possibility seeing as how we spent a fifth rounder on him.

The first one certainly won't happen as far coaching being retained. On another note, why start a thread like this to spread more doom and gloom on these boards? Don't get offended by me asking...just wondering what the point of it is. We all know worst case scenario is kubiak being retained. As for the others, who knows what could happen with different coaching.
 
I've got multiple but I'll go with 2:

1. We Keep Everyone
This whole lost season is actually a strategic ploy by Kubiak, Smith, and McNair. They've tanked so they can choose Derek Carr with the first pick in the draft.

Kubiak and Smith get another TWO seasons to make it work.

And we go 0-16 two years in a row.

2. We Clean House
McNair cleans house and "does it right." He hires a "real" GM: Bill Polian.

Bill Polian looks around and decides that Tony Dungy is "the guy" and pulls him out of retirement.

They take Derek Carr with the first pick.

And we go 0-16 two years in a row.

Basically, all my dystopian scenarios end up with us being terrible for decades to such a degree that Jags, Browns, and Bills fans feel sorry for us.
 
Bob McNair moves the team to London and keeps the name Texans. Football doesn't return to Houston before the NFL collapses on itself due to safety issues and player lawsuits.
 
I think all (except the last, obviously) can happen at the same time. Schaub sticking around is probably the least likely, but could happen.

I would hope we'd do some major research on Derek Carr before considering him. He is good though and the thought of drafting him (and his family) scares the poop out of me.
 
We get a new Head coach, DC and Teddy Bridgewater as the QB and go on to have two back to back losing seasons. Meanwhile, Kubiak and Wade are snatched up by Tampa, trade for Keenum, OD, Arian, and Andre Johnson and go on to win the Superbowl.
 
escrimador said:
We get a new Head coach, DC and Teddy Bridgewater as the QB and go on to have two back to back losing seasons. Meanwhile, Kubiak and Wade are snatched up by Tampa, trade for Keenum, OD, Arian, and Andre Johnson and go on to win the Superbowl.
Click to expand...

Wow. This would be the worst thing that could happen.
 
- McNair retains all coaches
- We pass on Bridgewater & Clowney...for a combine warrior who's not currently on the radar right now
- Jax drafts Manziel
- Schaub is kept & regains the starters role by default (Keenum hurt)
- VY is brought on as a back up
- AJ finally demands a trade
- Arian & Cush comes back, but they're clearly not the same
- We lose Watt for the year

This without a doubt would be the worst case realistic scenario imo...
 
IlliniJen said:
I try not to be a glass half empty type of person heading into the next season (and whose mind isn't already already onto 2014 to some extent?), but I decided to do a little "worse case/nightmare/what the hell is happening/is this hell?" scenario projecting.

This is probably not literally the worse possible outcome, but I decided it was so bizarro enough that it could possibly happen to this franchise seeing as this year is a nightmare...so why not extend that nightmare a wee bit further...

  • McNair retains ALL coaches and front office staff
  • With our first or second draft pick, we choose Derek Carr
  • Schaub is retained to mentor Carr Dos, becoming the most expensive backup in the league
  • Newton is still starting at RT
  • Fat Randy is still our kicker
  • A sinkhole opens up underneath Houston and sucks down the whole city during one of Kubiak's pressers

What is YOUR bizzaro worst scenario?
Click to expand...

It may have already been said but I'd just like to point out that if the first five items on your list actually happen then the sixth one is not necessarily a bad thing.
 
A small meteor hits the Texans office building and wipes out all the current staff.


Oh wait, you wanted to talk about the BAD things that could happen.
 
2slik4u said:
The first one certainly won't happen as far coaching being retained. On another note, why start a thread like this to spread more doom and gloom on these boards? Don't get offended by me asking...just wondering what the point of it is. We all know worst case scenario is kubiak being retained. As for the others, who knows what could happen with different coaching.
Click to expand...

I wanted to explore truly bizarre worst case scenarios, not likely scenarios. Like stuff that would happen to the Texans were they in a Twilight Zone episode. Although I'm sure several would argue that it DOES feel already like we're in some weird alternate universe since the Texans are soooooo bad this year.

I thought it was a fun thought exercise to see how surreal the future of the Texans could be.
 
IlliniJen said:
I wanted to explore truly bizarre worst case scenarios, not likely scenarios. Like stuff that would happen to the Texans were they in a Twilight Zone episode. Although I'm sure several would argue that it DOES feel already like we're in some weird alternate universe since the Texans are soooooo bad this year.

I thought it was a fun thought exercise to see how surreal the future of the Texans could be.
Click to expand...

Kubiak is fired, and Marciano is promoted to take his place. Rick Dennison is retained as OC, and will obviously now be given 100% playcalling responsibility. Wade publicly requests to be terminated, and is publicly denied. Rick Smith is retained, but placed in a reduced role reporting directly to the new Head Coach with his new responsibilities being primarily the evaluation of cornerbacks and outside linebackers for the draft.

Finally, Head Coach Joe announces that he will maintain his responsibility as ST coordinator and fires the assistant ST coordinator citing redundancy.
 
IlliniJen said:
What is YOUR bizzaro worst scenario?
Click to expand...

The Astrodome is demolished and to everyone's horror, it is discovered that the evil spirit of Bud Adams had been haunting the once proud building. His disturbed spirit attaches itself to the next closest structure, Reliant Stadium, and the curse of Bud lives on.
 
The 2-10 Texans play the 3-9 Jaguars on a Thurdsay night for all the nation to snicker at until Sunday afternoon.

(Actually, that might be a good thing so McNair can hear what the nation thinks of his team)
 
Roger Carr is named Gm .
He names David Carr Head Coach and OC
Hulk 75 becomes the defensive coordinator

With the 1st pick in the 2014 NFL draft , the Houston select Teddy Bridgewater QB .
 
Texans make SB, but I die of a massive coronary at the two-minute warning of the AFC Championship game.
 
Showtime100 said:
The 2-10 Texans play the 3-9 Jaguars on a Thurdsay night for all the nation to snicker at until Sunday afternoon.

(Actually, that might be a good thing so McNair can hear what the nation thinks of his team)
Click to expand...

The Texans win this game losing out on the number one overall pick. Bob McNair directs HC/VP Football Operations Joe Marciano to trade for that number one pick regardless of the cost. In a move reminiscent of Mike Ditka, Coach Joe trades the entire 2014 draft, along with the first round pick from 2015 to the Jags for the overall #1 pick. On May 8th 2014, the Texans proudly turn in the card containing their choice for the #1 overall pick, and are immediately told that Marcus Mariota chose to retain his college eligibility and is therefore not an option. A flustered Texans front office then hurriedly tries to recover from this gaffe, but in the heat of the moment, only one name is even put forth as an alternative to Mariota. Due to the lack of being able to even remember any other players who are actually in the draft (They only had the one pick afterall), the Texans turn in that name just in time to beat the Cleveland Browns, who were about to turn in their choice for the #6 overall pick.

Derek Carr - accompanied by his father - dons the Texans cap, crosses the stage, and shakes the hand of Roger Goodell (Who he doesn't hug because they don't know each other well enough). Derek immediately proclaims that he will dedicate himself to justify being the #1 overall pick in the draft just as his older brother did 12 long years ago. When informed that he was technically the #6 overall pick, Carr than says "Oh, in that case, I will do everything it takes to endeavor to be the 6th best player coming out of this draft". Derek's father and older brother David are seen chuckling and poking each other in the ribs as Derek makes this statement.
 
The Texans overhaul the coaching staff and a fair chunk of the players. Cowher power is here baby! We pick up some major free agents and in the draft we select Bridgewater #1. Fans are excited again. In preseason Bridge looks like a god. Cowher says and does all the right things and we start winning...16 straight. We have homefield advantage in the playoffs and clobber all the competition until the AFC championship game.

We're facing the patriots and we're winning 42-13 with 2 minutes left in the game. The crowd begins to buzz and chant "superbowl!"




The Texans take the ball and line up in victory formation...then...





Bane_Tom_Hardy5.jpg



Reliant is blown to hell.
 
IlliniJen said:
I wanted to explore truly bizarre worst case scenarios, not likely scenarios. Like stuff that would happen to the Texans were they in a Twilight Zone episode. Although I'm sure several would argue that it DOES feel already like we're in some weird alternate universe since the Texans are soooooo bad this year.

I thought it was a fun thought exercise to see how surreal the future of the Texans could be.
Click to expand...

You're right. After the thread took off it turned out to be a little fun after all. Well played.
 
escrimador said:
We get a new Head coach, DC and Teddy Bridgewater as the QB and go on to have two back to back losing seasons. Meanwhile, Kubiak and Wade are snatched up by Tampa, trade for Keenum, OD, Arian, and Andre Johnson and go on to win the Superbowl.
Click to expand...

Would absolutely prove that we are cursed. And we would all vote to dismantle the team and never have pro football in Houston ever again.
 
Surreal McCoy said:
And how is that dystopian?
Click to expand...

It's dystopian for you because you'll need to find another take.

I've asked numerous times and have yet to get an answer. Where are you where fans are so great? Maybe we can learn something from your utopian fanbase.
 
Nawzer said:
Bane for head coach??? Hmm...would definitely get results right away. Would certainly make for interesting press conferences.
Click to expand...

I'm guessing Bane wins all challenges. Or the officiating crew takes a walk on the ice.
 
Bored with the status quo, McNair and Jerry Jones decide to trade franchises.
Jerry's only condition is that he takes Romo with him to be a Texan. McNair agrees, but to keep the rosters even, McNair takes Keenum with him to the Cowgirls.

Jerrah meddles with roster, luring Albert Haynesworth out of retirement, and the all you can eat buffet. He signs other veterans like Nnamdi Asomugha, and Ritchie Incognito. The Texans enter a series of 1 wins seasons, but ironiclly, the single victory each season is over the Indianapolis Colts. In Indy.

Meanwhile, Keenum becomes the best QB in the league, leading the Cowgirls to multiple championships, and he coins the phase The Universe's Team.

Keenum finds Jesus, and refuses to play for anything more than vet minimum, allowing the team to spend money on the top free agent every offseason, helping to create the most prolific sports dynasty in the history of everything.

I become a severe alcoholic and get a tatoo of Rex Ryan wearing a Matt Schaub jersey.

David Carr is elected Governor of Texas, and makes everyone forget about Rick Perry's hair.

I become addicted to the latest designer drug.

It is revealed that all of the star players on the 1978-79 Oilers roster are Bud Adams illegitimate children. Billy White shoes Johnson celebrates by doing the Icky Shuffle.

I seek professional help for my addictions, and I began seeing a therapist named Ian Howfield. I don't kick my addictions, but I do learn the healing power of a good cry.

The Astrodome is purchased by the New York Yankees, is renovated and becomes the home of the Yankee minor league team The Houston Oilers.

I drive to Reliant park where I dowse myself in gasoline and immolate myself wearing a Matt Stevens jersey.

Days later, a psychic reveals that my death has lifted the Houston Sports curse.


It was not my fate to live to see that day.
 
Rick Smith is fired and Kubiak is given full control of players. He promptly trades JJ Watt to the Colts for Trent Richardson and AJ to the Jags for Gabbert, cuts Schaub, trades Keenum to the Vikings for Ponder and keeps Yates as his back up QB.

Kubiak is put in charge of the Astrodome demolition but gets confused and demolishes Reliant stadium, forcing McNair and taxpayers to revamp the Astrodome, exceeding all demands from Bud Adams before he moved the Oilers.
 
michaelm said:
Bored with the status quo, McNair and Jerry Jones decide to trade franchises.
Jerry's only condition is that he takes Romo with him to be a Texan. McNair agrees, but to keep the rosters even, McNair takes Keenum with him to the Cowgirls.

Jerrah meddles with roster, luring Albert Haynesworth out of retirement, and the all you can eat buffet. He signs other veterans like Nnamdi Asomugha, and Ritchie Incognito. The Texans enter a series of 1 wins seasons, but ironiclly, the single victory each season is over the Indianapolis Colts. In Indy.

Meanwhile, Keenum becomes the best QB in the league, leading the Cowgirls to multiple championships, and he coins the phase The Universe's Team.

Keenum finds Jesus, and refuses to play for anything more than vet minimum, allowing the team to spend money on the top free agent every offseason, helping to create the most prolific sports dynasty in the history of everything.

I become a severe alcoholic and get a tatoo of Rex Ryan wearing a Matt Schaub jersey.

David Carr is elected Governor of Texas, and makes everyone forget about Rick Perry's hair.

I become addicted to the latest designer drug.

It is revealed that all of the star players on the 1978-79 Oilers roster are Bud Adams illegitimate children. Billy White shoes Johnson celebrates by doing the Icky Shuffle.

I seek professional help for my addictions, and I began seeing a therapist named Ian Howfield. I don't kick my addictions, but I do learn the healing power of a good cry.

The Astrodome is purchased by the New York Yankees, is renovated and becomes the home of the Yankee minor league team The Houston Oilers.

I drive to Reliant park where I dowse myself in gasoline and immolate myself wearing a Matt Stevens jersey.

Days later, a psychic reveals that my death has lifted the Houston Sports curse.


It was not my fate to live to see that day.
Click to expand...

Your a sick sick man. Somehow you've managed to mix my disgust with the current Texans regime and my sworn eternal hatred for the cowboys together. I hate you for that. If things play out this way I'll douse myself in gas at midfield when the relocated Texans and boys play and light it up as a farewell fuq to fate.
 
This has been hilarious! I thought this was a dead thread but you guys have made me laugh at a dismal season.

Thanks to all of you imaginative mofos. :clap:
 
Texans play a preseason game in Mexico City, the stadium catches on fire due to eletrical wiring problem, the entire Texans org dies in the fire. BoB's wife sells the team to Cuban. Texans win a SB in 2015 with Eric DeCosta as GM and Brian Billick as HC.
 
Mr. White said:
It's dystopian for you because you'll need to find another take.
Click to expand...

Surreal McCoy said:
Love the internet tough-guy threats. Such a hard, hard man! :spin:
Click to expand...

What about "It's dystopian for you because you'll need to find another take" is threatening? If you think that's a threat, then you must not get out of the house very often.

If there's anyone trying to be an internet tough guy, it's you. You're advocating the annihilation of an entire city with 6 million residents. I guess it's not a big deal to you. All you'll need to do is pick out another fanbase to troll and get a new avatar.

Mr. White said:
I've asked numerous times and have yet to get an answer. Where are you where fans are so great? Maybe we can learn something from your utopian fanbase.
Click to expand...

Still waiting for an answer to this question. I don't expect one since that would probably require more than one sentence.
 
Trade out of the 1st pick to middle of first round for an extra 2nd rounder this year, 3rd rounder next year to select some obscure OL who will fizzle out in 3 years.

Meanwhile, both Bridgewater and Clowney begin to lay the groundwork for HOF careers.
 
New coaching staff selects bridgewater #1 overall and the best available RT at the top of the 2nd, both are outright busts laying the foundations for 5 years of failure whilst tied to the new regime & QB.

Or is that too big of a possibility to bear thinking about?
 
welsh texan said:
New coaching staff selects bridgewater #1 overall and the best available RT at the top of the 2nd, both are outright busts laying the foundations for 5 years of failure whilst tied to the new regime & QB.

Or is that too big of a possibility to bear thinking about?
Click to expand...

That's actually what I'm expecting to happen for real.
 
Like many large U.S. companies...Bob moves the Texans to Mexico. (Since the NFL is looking to expand globally, this fits right in with the future of the sport).

Bob is commended by the NFL and makes $$$$ in the process.

The Texans change their name to the "Monterey Menudos".

Meanwhile, Jacksonville's attempts to move to LA are thwarted by big business in Texas, and eventually find a new home in Houston.

The team becomes the Houston ExPatriots and sign ex-Ravens' quarterback Joe Flacco to a ten year deal. Ed Reeds' hip problems become a thing of the past as is re-hired by the ExPatriots staff, to help mentor the young defensive players. Super Bowl winners Calvin Johnson and Andre' Johnson both leave Detroit as players and become the receivers coaches for the ExPatriots.

The ExPatriots lose the Super Bowl in the last seconds by the Monterey Menudos' HOF hopeful, last second field goal kicker, Randy Bullock.
 
Your dystopian Texans future
Click to expand...

Dateline: December 4, 2014.

Location: Texanstalk.com

Event: The All Encompassing FIRE KUBIAK & REPLACEMENT thread IV (because the first three melted down)

We are talking about a 2-10 Texans team again and how Kubiak needs to be fired along with Marciano, Phillips, Rick Smith, etc., but realize it will not happen because Bob McNair gave Kubiak an eight year extension after a week 1 overtime win against the Jaguars.
 
Double Barrel said:
Dateline: December 4, 2014.

Location: Texanstalk.com

Event: The All Encompassing FIRE KUBIAK & REPLACEMENT thread IV (because the first three melted down)

We are talking about a 2-10 Texans team again and how Kubiak needs to be fired along with Marciano, Phillips, Rick Smith, etc., but realize it will not happen because Bob McNair gave Kubiak an eight year extension after a week 1 overtime win against the Jaguars.
Click to expand...

Boy... you best watch yo mouf.
 
Double Barrel said:
Dateline: December 4, 2014.

Location: Texanstalk.com

Event: The All Encompassing FIRE KUBIAK & REPLACEMENT thread IV (because the first three melted down)

We are talking about a 2-10 Texans team again and how Kubiak needs to be fired along with Marciano, Phillips, Rick Smith, etc., but realize it will not happen because Bob McNair gave Kubiak an eight year extension after a week 1 overtime win against the Jaguars.
Click to expand...

I fear this could really happen.
 
worst case scenario:

Texans franchise gets relocated to LA (and renamed of course)

A new team will be added (messing up the perfect 4*4*2 simmetry)

The new team will be british

we find out that God exists, and he is the "Jehovah's Witness"-kind-of-God

Jeovah's witnesses take over the world

football rules adjusted to make the sport less violent

sex becomes illegal (except for procreation, which is limited anyways to not overpopulate)

The four horsemen appear

everybody wearing crocs with socks

mandatory veganism

Dallas wins the SB
 
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