ranking teams by names...

33 - New York Jets

Sure, it sounds awfully tough... but Jets are inanimate objects. If they were the "New York Fighter Pilots" then, okay... maybe I could see it. That said, I live on an Air Force base and a Jet just sitting there on the runway isn't particularly awesome. A Jet with no pilot is just a great big freakin' paperweight.

EDIT:32 - Washington Wizards

Some of you are saying, "hey, that's a basketball team! Why are they on the list?" The answer is that Ghost of Jetman has decided to be humorless and snooty. In my opinion, humorless snooty people are inherently not tough and so rating his team below a basketball team is his punishment. I hope he's learned his lesson. Now, you might say, "but if you include them, you have to honestly consider where the 'Wizards' would rate compared to the rest of the teams" and I say unto thee, "F*** off. Make your own list!" Besides, the Wizards used to be called the Bullets, until they caved in to political pressure to change the name, like a bunch of *******.END OF EDIT

31 - New Orleans Saints

Of the non-inanimate objects, the least powerful team in the NFL would be the New Orleans Saints. Whenever you hear about Saints, are you hearing a story about whose *** they just whupped? No. You hear, "Oh, he was such a Saint... he wouldn't hurt a fly." While there is no NFL team currently named "the flies" I think it is reasonable to assume that if a Saint wouldn't hurt a fly, he would likewise not hurt a Dolphin.

30 - Miami Dolphins

The Dolphins would be the next weakest team. Why? Because they live in the f***ing water. Take 'em out of water and put them on dry land - somewhere like, say, a football field - and they'll die. The only reason they are more powerful than the Saints is because a Saint would see a beached Dolphin and try to save him rather than whupping his ***. A Cardinal, however, would peck the sh*t out of him.

29 - Arizona Cardinals

They're pretty little birds. Saints wouldn't hurt 'em and Dolphins wouldn't hurt 'em... but pretty much everything else would kick the **** out of them.

28 - Baltimore Ravens
27 - Seattle Seahawks
26 - Atlanta Falcons
25 - Philadelphia Eagles

They, too, are birds. All bird related teams are going to score low on this list. That's just the way it is. Why? Go ask a Dodo bird why...

24 - Cleveland Browns

Browns, as in "Brownies," as in little fairy looking miniature elf-things. I though about maybe grading the little
Cleveland Fairy lower than birds because maybe he's so small that a predatory bird could really jack him up... but then I saw that the little fairy was twirling a baton and I figured that the fairy community had probably lost a lot of ancestors to birds and that's why they carry batons nowadays - so they can rap a bird on the beak or poke out his eye or something.

23 - St Louis Rams

I know they have horns and stuff, people, but come on - They're sheep, for crying out loud! Sure, maybe birds won't mess with them and, sure, maybe they could stomp down on one of those little Cleveland Fairies, but what are they going to do against anybody else? Hell, the Rams are just really grateful that there are no Montana teams, 'cause you know what would be happening to the sheep if there were...

22 - San Diego Chargers

Okay, I know that they've got a lightning bolt on their helmets... but are they the ones throwing the lightning? No. They're a bunch of fat kids sitting in the dark because they're waiting for their rechargable batteries to charge so they can put them in their flashlights - Hence the name "Chargers". And, let's face it... scared fat kids in the dark just aren't very intimidating. They're all sitting there scaring each other making spooky noises, farting and blaming it on somebody else and, really, they'd sh*t their pants if something like a Colt burst through the door at them. A sheep they could probably laugh off.... but not much else.

21 - Indianapolis Colts

It's a horse. Flicka was a horse. Anything named Flicka is not scary or tough or capable of whupping too much ***.

20 - Denver Broncos

Sorry, Bronco fans, but it's still a horse. Horses are not predators. They're prey. While they may occasionally get a good kick in there, most of the time they're either getting saddle broken, eaten, or chased off a cliff. That's not very powerful. They get the nod over the Colts because a colt is a young horse. I figure if the horse has lived long enough to become a Bronco, he's more powerful than the young ones.

19 - San Francisco 49ers

Every seen a picture of a guy panning for gold? They're usually old guys with 2 teeth, and a scruffy white beard. Not powerful. They get the nod over horses because, hey, they might own one. They do not get the nod over anything else though. They don't get credit for guns because the team name isn't "San Francisco 49ers who have guns" so I assume they're unarmed. As such, a panther would f*** him up but good.

18 - Tennessee Titans

They're fictitious, you meatheads. They're just a story. Since there isn't an NFL team named "The 3rd Graders" they aren't scaring anybody. Oh, sure... you want to know why a fictitious Titan is more powerful than a real live 49er, don't you? It's because those 49ers are suspicious and superstitious folks. I bet they'd be scared if some guy ran by screaming "The Titans are coming! The Titans are coming" and they'd run like little b*tches.

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17 - Buffalo Bills

Yep... another animal. The Bill gets the nod over the 49er because, well, stampedes used to scare the **** out of folks back then. Still, it's a freakin' buffalo. They're on the endangered species list because people really whupped their asses over the years... and I'm supposed to be impressed with how powerful they are? Okay, so they get the nod over inanimate objects, birds, sheep, horses, superstitious old two-teeth men, and a myth but that's as high as they can climb.
16 - Green Bay Packers

They're a bunch of fat slobs who make sausages. They have to rate higher than Bills and horses because, for all we know, they could be putting horse anus into hot dogs... but big fat sausage makers aren't very intimidating or powerful. They can't whup very much *** at all.

15 - Pittsburgh Steelers

They're a bunch of factory workers, people. Sure, they're tough... but compared to some of the other guys on this list? No way. You take a city boy like that and put him face to face with a bear or something and he'd sh*t a Primanti Brothers sandwich sideways. Tough guys, sure... but not that tough.

14 - New York Giants

Andre the Giant could beat up a factory worker. He could probably have beaten up several at a time. He could probably have beaten up a horse or a bird or an old guy panning for gold, too. Maybe even all at the same time. Because of Andre, the Giants make it to number 14 on the list.

13 - Jacksonville Jaguars

I think an animal with sharp teeth and claws would probably whup Andre the Giant's big ***. If the Dread Pirate Roberts could do it, I'm pretty sure a jaguar can. Like Roberts, they're awfully quick so I bet they could dodge any boulders Andre might throw.

12 - Carolina Panthers

A jaguar is actually related to the panther, but I think the Panther is the big brother in this relationship. He pushes the jaguar around, let's him think he's doing well, and then throws the smack down on him when the little guy gets too out of hand. Oh, and the little brother is pissed because the Panthers has his own car and gets to stay out until 10:00 at night. Jaguar jealousy... that's all that is.

11 - Chicago Bears

A bear would completely wreck a panther. The panther would be all confident because it just beat up the jaguar and he'd be all talking sh*t like "Hey, you want some of this, b*tch? Step up, let's see what you got, you little b*tch!" and then the bear would eat him whole and then go take a nice, long, relaxing winter's nap.

10 - Cincinnati Bengals

I don't know what the zoo in your area is like but the zoo in my area has some big *** tigers that have big *** claws and big *** teeth. I think one of those big *** tigers would mess a bear up. It'd be close, I admit, but I think the bear would be slowed down by the fact that he's got a belly full of Panther and he's starting to get tired.

9 - Detroit Lions

Okay, let's just put this argument to rest right now, okay? The Lions would f*** a tiger's sh*t up bad, okay? Tigers hunt alone, see? They're solo artists. Lions, on the other hand, have prides. And since Lions naturally work together in prides AND the team name specifically is plural, the Lions win. Oh, and don't give me that "Bengals is plural too" argument because I've already explained that tigers don't work together. The Bengals would all look at each other and see the Lion pride coming and they'd be all "Oh, sh*t! Run! Every tiger for himself!" so don't even give me that ****. The Lions would win.

8 - Tampa Bay Buccaneers

If a bunch of Lions came after them, they'd just go get back on their boat and wait until the Lions left. If the Lions kept bugging them, they'd blast a cannon at them and those Lions would scatter quick. Although that might not make them able to individually whup a Lion's ***, the presence of gunpowder makes a difference. The Bucs are more powerful than the Lions.

7 - Minnesota Vikings

Now we're getting down to it. The Vikings were pretty tough, seeing as they invaded the hell out of all of Europe and whupped everybody's ***. Unfortunately for them, this isn't a question of "who is the toughest NFL Europe" team. If it was, they'd totally smash the competition. But it isn't. This is America, b*tches!

6 - Washington Redskins

You know they're going to get the nod over all the animals. That's what they ate and killed and made teepees and wigwams and spears and arrows and stuff out of. You know they're going to get the nod over the old gold miners because that's who they used to use the spears and arrows and stuff on. They get the nod over the Bucs, too, because they're not just coastal. No way could the Buccaneers come inland and get the hell out alive. The Redskins would totally whup the **** out of them. And I figure they have to get the nod over the Vikings, too, even though the Vikings were pretty tough. Why? Because the Vikings reached America, where the "Redskins" lived and what did they do? They froze their asses off and died, that's what! Meanwhile, the "Redskins" said, "Look at those ignorant sonsab*tches, all cold and starving and stuff while we're all kicked back and chillin' in our teepees." That means that the Redskins are more powerful than the Vikings.

5 - Kansas City Chiefs

See what I wrote about the Washington Redksins? Yeah, well... these guys were the freakin' Chiefs of the tribe. You can't very damned well put the plain ol' Redskins over the Chiefs, can you? Hell, no.

4 - Houston Texans

Point blank: Who won? Yeah, thought so. If there were a team called the "Santa Anas" I'd have to rate the Texans lower but, since there's no such team, f*** it. They're at #4. Plus, they lived in Houston before air conditioning was invented. You got to be tough and crazy to do that. Trust me, you wouldn't want to mess with some tough, crazy Texan in Houston. Just trust me on that one.

3 - Dallas Cowboys

In all the movies, who wins, the Cowboys or the Indians? When you were a kid playing in your yard, who won, the Cowboys or the Indians? Yeah, well, that a pretty strong indicator that the Cowboys are more powerful than even the most powerful Chiefs. And they get the nod over the Texans becase, though some Texans were Cowboys, not all of them were. Some of them were little b*tches. Besides, John Wayne was a cowboy and John Wayne was one tough son of a gun.


2 - New England Patriots

Hey, they won the freakin' revolution, man. They threw perfectly good tea into the harbor and they kicked the Redcoats the hell out of America. What more do you want? They also gave the Indians seriously debilitating and deadly diseases and stole their country from them. I mean, come on...


1 - Oakland Raiders

The Raiders go this high because their name implies the innate ability to attack inland. They don't just bug you along the coastline and mess up your fishing villages, do they? No! They drop anchor, come in and pillage and plunder and burn stuff down. That's just what they do. That makes them pretty badass. Sure, sure... sounds a lot like what the Vikings would do, right? The difference is that the Raiders didn't limit themselves by being overly specific with their name, dig? Who says the Raiders are in Europe? Nobody. They could be anywhere. They're worldwide, baby! In fact, they don't even have to be in boats at all. All they have to do is cross a border and, BAM, they're Raiding, aren't they? When the United States sent special forces over the border into Laos, what were they doing? Yeay... Raiding. Oh yeah... they're pretty badass dudes. In fact, when the Mexicans kicked the **** out of those Texans at the Alamo, they were in the act of Raiding! They were actually Raiders at that moment in time!

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