Join Date: Apr 2008
Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Houston Texans -- Drew Magary
Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Houston Texans
Filed to: WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS 2014
Some people are fans of the Houston Texans. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Houston Texans. This 2014 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
Your team: Houston Houstonians
Your 2013 record: 2-14. Two straight wins. Fourteen straight losses. Now THAT is how you do 2-14. And then there was this…
It's amazing how quickly it can all go to shit. One season, you're riding high off of thrashing the Bengals in the playoffs for the 90th straight time. The next season, people are setting Matt Schaub's children on fire. This is not a kind game.
Your coach: Bill O'Brien. I went to Penn State's first home game after Joe Paterno died, and people were walking around in officially licensed shirts that said BILLIEVE. I'd like to think that Bill O'Brien approved that shirt motto while sitting in a very large, trophy-adorned office. "Ah. Billieve. That'll do it." In two seasons at Penn State, O'Brien went 15-9. But don't worry, that record translates into 20-4 in non-diddling years.
The Texans rushed to hire O'Brien while willfully ignoring the notorious legacy of the Bill Belichick coaching tree. These names have been rehashed many times for the sake of scaring small children, but let's go through them once more:
I don't know why any team would voluntarily smash their faces into this particular wall for a fifth time. There's only one Bill Belichick and his name is not Bill O'Brien. And like many failed Belichick assistants, O'Brien is already asserting himself and micromanaging players into fine dust...
In other news, O'Brien has a chin you could slide a pair of underwear on.
Look at that cleft. What's in there? Diamonds? State secrets? NARNIA?! I'm fascinated.
Your quarterback: You do not have a quarterback. Your team forgot to get one. It's like when I come home with $100 worth of groceries from the store and somehow I forget to include anything that can be made into a proper dinner. Happens at least once a week. You have J.J. Watt, Andre Johnson, Jadeveon Clowney, Arian Foster, and Johnathan Joseph on this team. How the **** can you sit there and let those studs go into a full season with Ryan FitzHarvard at the helm? It's malpractice, is what it is.
Your backup terrible quarterback is Case Keenum. And I think we all remember the three games last season when Case Keenum Fever swept the greater Houston suburbs. Any small white backup quarterback named Case or Colt or Chase will automatically become adored by 80 percent of your local fanbase.
Tom Savage was drafted in the fourth round mainly to keep people from rioting in the streets.
What's new that sucks: If there is a motor to be had within Jadeveon Clowney, by God O'Brien's Oklahoma drills will surely leave that motor permanently warped and useless.
Apart from getting the first overall pick in the draft and using it correctly, the Texans' offseason was notable mostly for its losses. Gary Kubiak and his lifetime supply of pomade are gone, along with defensive coordinator Wade Phillips, who has been replaced by Romeo Crennel. Listen, if you're gonna grab a failed head coach for your DC, you stick with ol' Wade. You don't double down on Belichick's toilet runoff.
Ben Tate is gone, which is good because I hate Ben Tate. Owen Daniels is also gone, which means Garrett Graham is the guy to catch three TDs in one game and then make zero catches after you pick him up off the waiver wire. Oh hey, remember when this team signed Ed Reed last offseason and then cut him in November? That was fun.
What has always sucked: These are horrible fans. You're talking about a group of people that had to BUY a Matt Schaub jersey before burning it...
Have some pride, man. Burn a jersey that you've actually worn at some point. That's the whole point of the jersey burning. It is a severing of emotional ties… a spiritual cleansing. You need to LOVE a player to be hurt by him. And here you are buying Schaub's jersey after the fact. What a bunch of ****ing morons. They couldn't even burn that shit correctly. Matt Schaub sucks, but he's the best quarterback in team history BY FAR (other Texans starters: David Carr, Tony Banks, Dave Ragone, Sage Rosenfels, T.J. Yates, Keenum, and Matt Leinart, who was arguably the best QB of this group) and you people turned on him like it was nothing. No wonder Andre Johnson is dying to leave. You make Cowboys fans look loyal by comparison.
Not that I expect anything less from the citizens of Houston, which is the worst city in Texas. You gotta work real hard to be the shittiest city in Texas. I mean, Dallas is right there, and Dallas is everything wrong with American urbanity. But Houston is worse. It's hotter than red death. Traffic is shit. Everyone is dumb. Going to the mall food court counts as fine dining. No one goes to Houston on purpose. It's Phoenix with humidity. One day a giant mosquito swarm will consume the city entirely...
What might not suck: Hoo boy, Clowney and J.J. Watt in the same front seven.
People might die. I can't wait.
Snipped, read all
the funny isht here: http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...ans-1616882079
If you root for the Texans to fail so you can throw out an "I told you so", you are not a fan... you're a troll.