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Old 03-08-2012   #1
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Default A comical look at all 32 teams pursuit of Peyton Manning

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/08/sp...r=3&ref=sports

Peyton Manning is now a free agent, and while many teams do not have an apparent need at quarterback, every team has something to gain by acquiring one of the best players in N.F.L. history. Here is a look at what will happen if Manning takes his talents to your favorite team:

ARIZONA CARDINALS Manning Cardinals jerseys, manufactured out of recycled, shredded Kevin Kolb jerseys, roll off production lines self-aware that they are destined to be worn ironically in 10 years.

ATLANTA FALCONS Mike Smith is thrilled to have someone who can call an audible when he goes crazy and starts going for it on every fourth down.

BALTIMORE RAVENS Manning arrives in a Mayflower moving van, jogging the memories of older fans. He then announces that he already knows all of the Ravens’ plays. “It was no big deal,” he says. “There are only, like, six of them.”

BUFFALO BILLS Manning gets a 94 percent ownership stake in the team, commercial fishing rights in the Niagara River and a six-month supply of chicken wings in lieu of a signing bonus.

CAROLINA PANTHERS Cam Newton’s rookie year was so exciting that no sequel could possibly live up to expectations.

CHICAGO BEARS Lovie Smith tricks Manning into believing the Bears have an adequate offensive line by replacing game film with the “hold the pass” scene from the film “300” and asking the offensive coordinator Mike Tice to wait in the car.

CINCINNATI BENGALS In an effort to appear emotionally troubled enough to fit the mold of the typical Bengals acquisition, Manning wears a leather jacket to team headquarters, then rolls a cigarette while leaning rakishly against a motorcycle during preliminary negotiations.

CLEVELAND BROWNS Manning immediately has second thoughts about his decision when he asks Browns trainers for some neck treatment and they bandage his index finger instead.

DALLAS COWBOYS This signing does not prove splashy enough for Jerry Jones, who begins clearing cap space for a player named LeBron Bieber Lin that only he can see.

DENVER BRONCOS Manning and Tim Tebow say nice things about each other as John Elway nods approvingly. Brady Quinn somehow still thinks he deserves a chance at the starting job.

DETROIT LIONS During minicamps with Ndamukong Suh and the other overzealous Lions defenders, Manning wears a red jersey, flak jacket, tower shield and Green Lantern ring, and that is just during warm-ups.

GREEN BAY PACKERS Columnists from around the country call Brett Favre for his reaction and immediately regret it.

HOUSTON TEXANS Excited Texans linemen begin practicing a new cut-blocking technique to protect Manning. The technique is immediately banned by the Geneva Convention but is instrumental in reviving the “Saw” film franchise.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS After Wednesday’s tearful news conference, Jim Irsay spends a sleepless night cradling his cellphone and listening to Lady Antebellum. “It’s a quarter after one. ...”

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS In preparation for a season-ticket surge, animal control experts trap the family of opossums that have nested for generations under the seats near midfield, and the Jaguars’ owner, Shahid Khan, confirms that the team’s lone phone line has a dial tone.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS Manning inherits Joe Montana’s old locker, comes face to face with his mortality for a split second, hopes a brisk walk and a Gatorade will make him feel better, discovers they do not and logs onto the Internet to change the retirement planning settings on his stock portfolio.

MIAMI DOLPHINS At the introductory news conference, the team’s owner, Stephen Ross, proudly proclaims, “With Peyton Manning joining Reggie Bush and Brandon Marshall, we can finally overtake the Jets as the overrated, chemistry-challenged team that finishes second to the Patriots in the A.F.C. East!”

MINNESOTA VIKINGS To pay Manning’s salary, voters approve a referendum that calls for $50 million in state money, $25 million in Hennepin County money and a 14 percent sales tax on household cleaning supplies and diapers. The Vikings then play home games for the next 12 years in a vacant lot behind a tire retreading plant.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS Bill Belichick straps Manning to a chair, shaves his head, fastens electrodes to his brain and siphons football knowledge directly into a supercomputer.
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Old 03-08-2012   #2
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Default Re: A comical look at all 32 teams pursuit of Peyton Manning

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS The franchise is working overtime to bring back their 1970s heyday, when fans wore bags over their heads and the team was a model of bumbling mismanagement. A quarterback named Manning completes the cycle.

GIANTS Peyton: “Now that we work together we can share everything. Right, Eli?” Eli: “Touch that second Super Bowl ring and I am telling mom.”

JETS “I have no more excuses,” Rex Ryan says. “I better work long and hard for the rest of the off-season to make some more.”

OAKLAND RAIDERS Something, something, something, Dark Side, something, something, complete.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES After 13 years of adulation from fans, Manning finds that a year of senseless viciousness feels refreshing, like leaping into an ice bath after a sauna.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS Manning struggles to learn the playbook at his first minicamp. “No, you got rid of the ball much too quickly!” Ben Roethlisberger explains. “You are supposed to pump fake, loiter for a few seconds, then throw a bomb just as three defenders ram their helmets into your ankle.”

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS Manning, on advice from his neck surgeon, avoids handshakes and backslaps from Coach Jim Harbaugh, whom he replaced as Colts quarterback.

ST. LOUIS RAMS This signing causes a ripple effect: the Rams trade Sam Bradford to the Seahawks, the Browns draft Robert Griffin III, the Redskins pay the free agent Matt Flynn hundreds of millions of dollars and Mark Sanchez wipes his brow in relief so hard that he tears the top layer of skin off.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS Manning learns that Norv Turner is really a puppet when Clint Howard appears from behind a curtain and offers him a glass of tranya.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS Pete Carroll wins Manning over by performing “Green Grass and High Tides Forever” on air guitar. “He’s just like Jim Irsay, only younger and even less predictable!” a jubilant Manning says as Carroll launches into “Stone Free.”

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS As part of the most lucrative contract in sports history, Manning must play 16 games for the Buccaneers and 20 more for Manchester United under the name Nigel Smythe-Elphinstone.

TENNESSEE TITANS With Manning’s arrival, running back Chris Johnson downgrades his seasonal rushing goal from 2,000 yards to hoping he gets to run a draw play once in a while.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS “This is the big move that puts us over the top!” Dan Snyder announces in his news conference. “This is the big move that puts us over the top!” Dan Snyder said at the Donovan McNabb news conference. “This is the big move that puts us over the top!” Dan Snyder said at the Albert Haynesworth news conference. “This is the. ...”
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Old 03-08-2012   #3
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Default Re: A comical look at all 32 teams pursuit of Peyton Manning

Good find. I particularly like these two

Quote:
PITTSBURGH STEELERS Manning struggles to learn the playbook at his first minicamp. “No, you got rid of the ball much too quickly!” Ben Roethlisberger explains. “You are supposed to pump fake, loiter for a few seconds, then throw a bomb just as three defenders ram their helmets into your ankle.”
Quote:
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS Bill Belichick straps Manning to a chair, shaves his head, fastens electrodes to his brain and siphons football knowledge directly into a supercomputer.
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Old 03-08-2012   #4
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Default Re: A comical look at all 32 teams pursuit of Peyton Manning

Quote:
HOUSTON TEXANS Excited Texans linemen begin practicing a new cut-blocking technique to protect Manning. The technique is immediately banned by the Geneva Convention but is instrumental in reviving the “Saw” film franchise.
Nice to know what our rep is around the league.
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