NFL unveils its coming attractions
I thought this was kinda cool. Enjoy.....
NFL unveils its coming attractions
By GREGORY HARDY
MY DAD HAS always been suspicious of NFL teams that are the last to open training camp. If an organization were truly dedicated to excellence, he reasons, wouldn’t they want to get all their coaches and players on the same page as soon as possible?
So I know he would be disappointed in me: Some NFL teams have already opened training camp, but I still haven’t finished scouting who I’m interested in picking up for my fantasy draft.
Usually, he is pretty proud of his three sons. After all, one is an AIDS researcher, one is a credit card financial data tracker, and one is a moron who makes up sports predictions.
Yes, I’m starting to get the itch to tackle position-by-position breakdowns. But there is still a bit of summer left to squeeze out, and I’m trying to make sure I’ve seen all the summer movie blockbusters.
So as a compromise, I’m going match summer movie titles with how I think teams from the NFL will fare this season.
So let’s get up to the multiplex line of scrimmage. “Theater two! Showtime, 7:25! Hut, hut, hike!”
“Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” — Oakland Raiders. The Bucs would have made for an easy swashbuckler reference, but the Raiders logo might as well be a skull and crossbones. The emphasis here is on “dead men,” and Oakland has been rolling over and playing dead for years now.
“Superman Returns” — Green Bay Packers. Yes, Brett Favre is back. But Packers fans may be ready to write on their blogs, “Why the world doesn’t need Superman.”
“The DaVinci Code” — New England Patriots. Renaissance man Bill Belichick’s game plans are so complex, maybe even he can’t figure them out any more.
“Mission: Impossible III” — Dallas Cowboys. In honor of Terrell Owens. In his first movie, he blew up his relationship with San Francisco’s quarterback. In the sequel, he imploded Philadelphia’s 2005 season. Will this installment be more of the same?
“Click” — Arizona Cardinals. Offense has incredible weapons: Matt Leinart, Edgerrin James, Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin. But can coach Dennis Green make it all, well, click?
“Cars” — Houston Texans. In honor of quarterback David Carr. Any chance he can cross the playoff finish line this year, or are we looking forward to another blown transmission?
“Miami Vice” — Miami Dolphins. Ricky Williams already made sure of this one.
“Nacho Libre” — Atlanta Falcons. As in, has there ever been a cheesier nickname than Ron Mexico?
“Ice Age: The Meltdown” — Buffalo Bills. It’s gonna be a cold, cold December in upstate New York: The quarterback candidates are so bad, it is more accurate to say that their three top quarterbacks are battling for the third spot.
“An Inconvenient Truth” — Cincinnati Bengals. All the promise and goodwill engendered by high-powered 2005 campaign could be greenhoused away already, no thanks to numerous summer run-ins with authorities and knee surgery to Carson Palmer.
“The Break-Up” — Detroit Lions. The team found itself a new coach, Rod Marinelli; new offensive coordinator, Mike Martz; and a new quarterback, Jon Kitna. Why is ownership still in love with GM Matt Millen?
“A Prairie Home Companion” — Minnesota Vikings. Things might be OK for these two state icons as long as no one on the team takes a party boat onto Lake Wobegon.
“The Ant Bully” — New York Giants. As in The Giant Bully, in honor of Tom Coughlin — my favorite “my way, or the highway” coach.
“Monster House” — San Francisco 49ers. Has there ever been a worse stadium name change than that from Candlestick Park to Monster Stadium? Anyway, prepare for the team to play monstrously bad.
“Inside Man” — Seattle Seahawks. In honor of Shaun Alexander, the man who always finds his way inside the end zone.
“The Omen” — Denver Broncos. Quarterback Jake Plummer could not have viewed it as a good sign when the franchise picked Jay Cutler in the first round.
Looks like I’ll need a trip to the DVD shelf to round this out:
“The Pink Panther” — Carolina Panthers. Will the addition of Keyshawn Johnson be the cat’s meow? Or will Super Bowl run end with playoff pink slips?
“Failure to Launch” — San Diego Chargers. The team can not afford new starting quarterback Philip Rivers to have one.
“RV” — Pittsburgh Steelers. Fans would rather see Ben Roethlisberger behind the wheel of one of these than on top of a motorcycle ever again.
“Friends with Money” — Washington Redskins. Dan Snyder has money, but does he have friends?
“The Benchwarmers” — Tennessee Titans. Vince Young can not wait to not be one.
“The Shaggy Dog” — Cleveland Browns. If quarterback Charlie Frye is a bust, he and coach Romeo Crennel will be in the dog house.
“Glory Road” — New Orleans Saints. Win or lose, everyone had a reason to root for this comeback story last year. Now Reggie Bush and Drew Brees can make a game of it.
“V for Vendetta” — Indianapolis Colts. They booted kicker Mike Vanderjagt in favor of Adam Vinatieri, in hopes of earning that elusive Super Bowl “V for Victory.”
And in the ultimate cop-out:
“Eight Below” — I have run out of space to cover the Ravens, Eagles, Jags, Bucs, Bears, Rams, Chiefs and Jets.
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