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Old 12-04-2005   #1
barzilla
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Default Operation Bush

Warning: Dangerous levels of sarcasm........

When the team sat there at 1-9 they knew they could not improve upon their franchise high seven wins from 2004. At every point it looked possible with the remaining schedule perhaps the softest in league history. The club embarked on a secret plan called "Operation Bush". The club would have to appear not to lose on purpose without giving maximum effort.

OBSTACLE ONE: RAMS

The Rams had one of the worst defenses going in and rumors that their first two QBs couldn't go. The game started innocently enough with Martin getting the start, but when he got knocked out and the Texans mounted a 24-3 lead, gloom came over the faces of the Texans brass.

Charlie Casserly just saw Bush torch Fresno State and he was freaking out. Not to worry, Fangio got to work in the lockerroom devising a defense. Since David Carr has never been on board, the offensive staff went to work on the Texans recievers and running backs. They told them to pretend to bobble the ball and pop it up so the defenders could intercept it.

Giving up 10 points in 35 seconds proved difficult but the defense got it done.

OPERATION BUSH MVP: Marcus Coleman drops onside kick and fumbles an interception he never should have made. Clutch.

OBSTACLE TWO: Ravens

Wow, you bring us an inept defense one week and an inept offense the next. Joe Pendry went to work on this one. After all, the Texans have a reputation being pitiful offensively and everyone knows it would look suspicious for the Texans to surrender 30+ points to this group.

Domanick Davis refused to take part in Operation Bush this week. He saw how Bush torched UCLA and knew he needed a job somewhere in the NFL. Besides, his 155 yards took suspicions off of him. Andre Johnson on the other hand had a brilliant week against the Rams, so dropping an easy touchdown wouldn't have NFL officials blowing the whistle.

OPERATION BUSH MVP: Texans Offense manages to outgain the Ravens by a significant margin and generate less than them. Definitely clutch.

Future Obstacles to Operation Bush: Cardinals, Titans, and 49ers.

On tap this week, the Texans brass will work with Dom Capers on keeping his mouth closed on the sideline. The front office took a lot of angry phone calls after Mooch was fired in Detroit. People smelt a rat. The front office privately admitted to insiders that keeping the operation from being discovered was made more difficult by Capers' general inept appearance.

Future projects

1) Offensive line- Don't improve too much
2) Shawntee Orr- five and a half sacks in two weeks? Calm down guy, you've got a job next year
3) Talk secretly to teams playing the Jets, Packers, and 49ers. We need breathing room folks.
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Old 12-04-2005   #2
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Was David Carr a part of this operation he did give up that INT for a Tocuhdown
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Old 12-04-2005   #3
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That's the beauty of the conspiracy. It's impossible to say whether it is normal incompetence or planned imcompetence.
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Old 12-04-2005   #4
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LOL, excellent post.
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Old 12-05-2005   #5
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Shawntee Orr is finally living up to all those picks we used to get him .
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Old 12-05-2005   #6
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Barzilla that was great. I think this thread should stay near the top. It is a little bit of humor in a sea of despair this football season.
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Old 12-05-2005   #7
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Man was this another close one. As the game went under 5 minutes, I knew that Carr would step up and make that big play. Sure enough, that vaunted side arm delivery paid dividends ....tipped pass for an interception and score. And later when all looked lost ..Kyle "one minute" Boller" overcame that Fangio 3-4 (including a time out to plan his brilliant strategy) and got in field goal range.

Keep up it Texans....."Protect That Draft Pick!"
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Old 12-05-2005   #8
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One can only wonder what brilliant strategy the club has in store for us this week. You see fellas (and gals) it's all a matter of perspective. The line between total incompetence and complete and utter brilliance is a thin one.
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Old 12-05-2005   #9
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seems like whenever we hit rockbottom, we break out the pick and shovel!
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Old 12-05-2005   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by barzilla
We need breathing room folks.
Hitler - 1937

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Old 12-05-2005   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Napa Auto Parts
Was David Carr a part of this operation he did give up that INT for a Tocuhdown
He "gave it up", huh? OK then ......

Just so I'm clear on the terminology used here, how would you have phrased it if it had been thrown right to a defender instead of batted up in the air?
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Old 12-05-2005   #12
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I call shenanigans. There's no way we lose those last 2 games in the last minute without some influence on the upper management. I want a complete audit of all conversations and copies of all documents leading up to this last loss.
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Old 12-05-2005   #13
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Looking at the contenders for the 1st pick..GB, JETS, 49ers and us...I see the Jets and GB wining atleast 1 and likely 2 games of those left. We and the 49ers will likely lose out and then play for the first pick in the last game. Hate to say it, but we will likely win that one and get the second pick. 49ers will undoubtably take Bush. Then we will need someone to really want LionFart to get a good trade down situation. Jets would be the most likely partner as well as the Titanics and the Ravens. A second this year and a third next would be a probable deal IMO.
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Old 12-05-2005   #14
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Edo, on it's face you seem to be on target. However, remember 2 things 1) the Niners may find a way at home sometime this year, they do play well there 2) This team finds a way to lose. Which is exactly why the thread is so funny.
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Old 12-05-2005   #15
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This is some funny stuff, it does seem kinda like a conspiracy.
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Old 12-05-2005   #16
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San Fran does still have a game left against the Rams, so there's a shot of them knocking themselves out of a #1-#2 showdown week 17.
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Old 12-05-2005   #17
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What good is anything when you have nothing else? So I don't think it makes a difference then. Thats even more a reason to get the best player in the draft, because your team is so far down that there isn't any one patch or fix that gonna turn things around. So you might as well at least start with the best patch that is available, bush.

Again, 1 pick is 1 pick. They can still address weaknesses with their 6 or 7 other picks.

Offensively they need a RB. They need a OL too, but a rookie OL isn't gonna help much IMO. That line is horrible, and they are in desperate need of some good veteran linemen (you guys shoulda signed John Tait and/or Ruben Brown this past offseason, both have been probowlers mutliple times, the bears signed them both in the offseason and our line has been great).

You guys have a WR in Johnson. QB is still in the air. So a very good or great RB would improve things. Having that deadly of a RB may give Carr as much additional time in the pocket as would the top rookie OL.

You could go either way, theres no right way really. But I just look at it like you don't pass on Jordan, not anymore. Jordan was passed over, and ever since its been the reminder of why you don't pass on such a great prospect. I couldn't see anyone passing on Lebron, no matter what their need was.

Well Bush is the greatest college player to come out in a long long long time. Kinda hard to pass on that IMO. I'd rather be the GM that took him and he ended up a bust and it ended up setting the franchise back 1 season, as opposed to the GM that passed on him and Bush goes on to be a 2 time league MVP, top 5 all time NFL leading rusher, multiple super bowl's, multiple pro bowls.
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Old 12-05-2005   #18
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I'm afraid DD's going to become one highly paid punt returner.
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Old 12-05-2005   #19
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SBTexans, I understand your points. However, unlike basketball, a running back's success is predicated on a number of things. You discuss a running back setting up favorable situations for Carr, well 3 of the last 4 weeks DD has started defenses have stacked the line with 10 men. What else can a tailback do?

I agree if an elite player was out there, we can't pass on him. I just am not sold Reggie Bush is an elite NFL player. He's not a definitive running back, and his size is a question.
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Old 12-05-2005   #20
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Damn, you guys turned an attempt at humor into a serious discussion. Ahhrrrhhhhggg!

Seriously for a second. I don't think this team is as far off as people think. Yes, teams like the Colts own us, but they've always owned us. I think you take the best player (whoever that might be) and count your lucky stars that you got him.
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