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Old 12-04-2013   #21
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

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Originally Posted by IlliniJen View Post
I wanted to explore truly bizarre worst case scenarios, not likely scenarios. Like stuff that would happen to the Texans were they in a Twilight Zone episode. Although I'm sure several would argue that it DOES feel already like we're in some weird alternate universe since the Texans are soooooo bad this year.

I thought it was a fun thought exercise to see how surreal the future of the Texans could be.
You're right. After the thread took off it turned out to be a little fun after all. Well played.
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Old 12-04-2013   #22
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

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Originally Posted by escrimador View Post
We get a new Head coach, DC and Teddy Bridgewater as the QB and go on to have two back to back losing seasons. Meanwhile, Kubiak and Wade are snatched up by Tampa, trade for Keenum, OD, Arian, and Andre Johnson and go on to win the Superbowl.
Would absolutely prove that we are cursed. And we would all vote to dismantle the team and never have pro football in Houston ever again.
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Old 12-04-2013   #23
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

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Originally Posted by IlliniJen View Post
  • A sinkhole opens up underneath Houston and sucks down the whole city during one of Kubiak's pressers
And how is that dystopian?
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Old 12-04-2013   #24
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

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Originally Posted by Surreal McCoy View Post
And how is that dystopian?
It's dystopian for you because you'll need to find another take.

I've asked numerous times and have yet to get an answer. Where are you where fans are so great? Maybe we can learn something from your utopian fanbase.
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Old 12-04-2013   #25
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

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Originally Posted by Mr. White View Post
It's dystopian for you because you'll need to find another take.

I've asked numerous times and have yet to get an answer. Where are you where fans are so great? Maybe we can learn something from your utopian fanbase.
inb4 Austin
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Old 12-04-2013   #26
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Originally Posted by IlliniJen View Post
I wanted to explore truly bizarre worst case scenarios, not likely scenarios.
I'm with you. What's the harm? After all, it is the offseason.
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Old 12-04-2013   #27
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

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Originally Posted by powda View Post



Reliant is blown to hell.
Bane for head coach??? Hmm...would definitely get results right away. Would certainly make for interesting press conferences.
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Old 12-04-2013   #28
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

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Originally Posted by Nawzer View Post
Bane for head coach??? Hmm...would definitely get results right away. Would certainly make for interesting press conferences.
I'm guessing Bane wins all challenges. Or the officiating crew takes a walk on the ice.
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Old 12-04-2013   #29
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

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Originally Posted by Mr. White View Post
It's dystopian for you because you'll need to find another take.
Love the internet tough-guy threats. Such a hard, hard man!
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Old 12-04-2013   #30
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Bored with the status quo, McNair and Jerry Jones decide to trade franchises.
Jerry's only condition is that he takes Romo with him to be a Texan. McNair agrees, but to keep the rosters even, McNair takes Keenum with him to the Cowgirls.

Jerrah meddles with roster, luring Albert Haynesworth out of retirement, and the all you can eat buffet. He signs other veterans like Nnamdi Asomugha, and Ritchie Incognito. The Texans enter a series of 1 wins seasons, but ironiclly, the single victory each season is over the Indianapolis Colts. In Indy.

Meanwhile, Keenum becomes the best QB in the league, leading the Cowgirls to multiple championships, and he coins the phase The Universe's Team.

Keenum finds Jesus, and refuses to play for anything more than vet minimum, allowing the team to spend money on the top free agent every offseason, helping to create the most prolific sports dynasty in the history of everything.

I become a severe alcoholic and get a tatoo of Rex Ryan wearing a Matt Schaub jersey.

David Carr is elected Governor of Texas, and makes everyone forget about Rick Perry's hair.

I become addicted to the latest designer drug.

It is revealed that all of the star players on the 1978-79 Oilers roster are Bud Adams illegitimate children. Billy White shoes Johnson celebrates by doing the Icky Shuffle.

I seek professional help for my addictions, and I began seeing a therapist named Ian Howfield. I don't kick my addictions, but I do learn the healing power of a good cry.

The Astrodome is purchased by the New York Yankees, is renovated and becomes the home of the Yankee minor league team The Houston Oilers.

I drive to Reliant park where I dowse myself in gasoline and immolate myself wearing a Matt Stevens jersey.

Days later, a psychic reveals that my death has lifted the Houston Sports curse.


It was not my fate to live to see that day.
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Old 12-04-2013   #31
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Rick Smith is fired and Kubiak is given full control of players. He promptly trades JJ Watt to the Colts for Trent Richardson and AJ to the Jags for Gabbert, cuts Schaub, trades Keenum to the Vikings for Ponder and keeps Yates as his back up QB.

Kubiak is put in charge of the Astrodome demolition but gets confused and demolishes Reliant stadium, forcing McNair and taxpayers to revamp the Astrodome, exceeding all demands from Bud Adams before he moved the Oilers.
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Old 12-04-2013   #32
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Quote:
Originally Posted by michaelm View Post
Bored with the status quo, McNair and Jerry Jones decide to trade franchises.
Jerry's only condition is that he takes Romo with him to be a Texan. McNair agrees, but to keep the rosters even, McNair takes Keenum with him to the Cowgirls.

Jerrah meddles with roster, luring Albert Haynesworth out of retirement, and the all you can eat buffet. He signs other veterans like Nnamdi Asomugha, and Ritchie Incognito. The Texans enter a series of 1 wins seasons, but ironiclly, the single victory each season is over the Indianapolis Colts. In Indy.

Meanwhile, Keenum becomes the best QB in the league, leading the Cowgirls to multiple championships, and he coins the phase The Universe's Team.

Keenum finds Jesus, and refuses to play for anything more than vet minimum, allowing the team to spend money on the top free agent every offseason, helping to create the most prolific sports dynasty in the history of everything.

I become a severe alcoholic and get a tatoo of Rex Ryan wearing a Matt Schaub jersey.

David Carr is elected Governor of Texas, and makes everyone forget about Rick Perry's hair.

I become addicted to the latest designer drug.

It is revealed that all of the star players on the 1978-79 Oilers roster are Bud Adams illegitimate children. Billy White shoes Johnson celebrates by doing the Icky Shuffle.

I seek professional help for my addictions, and I began seeing a therapist named Ian Howfield. I don't kick my addictions, but I do learn the healing power of a good cry.

The Astrodome is purchased by the New York Yankees, is renovated and becomes the home of the Yankee minor league team The Houston Oilers.

I drive to Reliant park where I dowse myself in gasoline and immolate myself wearing a Matt Stevens jersey.

Days later, a psychic reveals that my death has lifted the Houston Sports curse.


It was not my fate to live to see that day.
Your a sick sick man. Somehow you've managed to mix my disgust with the current Texans regime and my sworn eternal hatred for the cowboys together. I hate you for that. If things play out this way I'll douse myself in gas at midfield when the relocated Texans and boys play and light it up as a farewell fuq to fate.
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Old 12-04-2013   #33
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

This has been hilarious! I thought this was a dead thread but you guys have made me laugh at a dismal season.

Thanks to all of you imaginative mofos.
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Old 12-05-2013   #34
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Texans play a preseason game in Mexico City, the stadium catches on fire due to eletrical wiring problem, the entire Texans org dies in the fire. BoB's wife sells the team to Cuban. Texans win a SB in 2015 with Eric DeCosta as GM and Brian Billick as HC.
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Old 12-05-2013   #35
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

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Originally Posted by Mr. White View Post
It's dystopian for you because you'll need to find another take.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Surreal McCoy View Post
Love the internet tough-guy threats. Such a hard, hard man!
What about "It's dystopian for you because you'll need to find another take" is threatening? If you think that's a threat, then you must not get out of the house very often.

If there's anyone trying to be an internet tough guy, it's you. You're advocating the annihilation of an entire city with 6 million residents. I guess it's not a big deal to you. All you'll need to do is pick out another fanbase to troll and get a new avatar.

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I've asked numerous times and have yet to get an answer. Where are you where fans are so great? Maybe we can learn something from your utopian fanbase.
Still waiting for an answer to this question. I don't expect one since that would probably require more than one sentence.
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Old 12-05-2013   #36
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Trade out of the 1st pick to middle of first round for an extra 2nd rounder this year, 3rd rounder next year to select some obscure OL who will fizzle out in 3 years.

Meanwhile, both Bridgewater and Clowney begin to lay the groundwork for HOF careers.
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Old 12-05-2013   #37
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

New coaching staff selects bridgewater #1 overall and the best available RT at the top of the 2nd, both are outright busts laying the foundations for 5 years of failure whilst tied to the new regime & QB.

Or is that too big of a possibility to bear thinking about?
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Old 12-05-2013   #38
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

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Originally Posted by welsh texan View Post
New coaching staff selects bridgewater #1 overall and the best available RT at the top of the 2nd, both are outright busts laying the foundations for 5 years of failure whilst tied to the new regime & QB.

Or is that too big of a possibility to bear thinking about?
That's actually what I'm expecting to happen for real.
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Old 12-05-2013   #39
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Like many large U.S. companies...Bob moves the Texans to Mexico. (Since the NFL is looking to expand globally, this fits right in with the future of the sport).

Bob is commended by the NFL and makes $$$$ in the process.

The Texans change their name to the "Monterey Menudos".

Meanwhile, Jacksonville's attempts to move to LA are thwarted by big business in Texas, and eventually find a new home in Houston.

The team becomes the Houston ExPatriots and sign ex-Ravens' quarterback Joe Flacco to a ten year deal. Ed Reeds' hip problems become a thing of the past as is re-hired by the ExPatriots staff, to help mentor the young defensive players. Super Bowl winners Calvin Johnson and Andre' Johnson both leave Detroit as players and become the receivers coaches for the ExPatriots.

The ExPatriots lose the Super Bowl in the last seconds by the Monterey Menudos' HOF hopeful, last second field goal kicker, Randy Bullock.
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Old 12-05-2013   #40
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

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Your dystopian Texans future
Dateline: December 4, 2014.

Location: Texanstalk.com

Event: The All Encompassing FIRE KUBIAK & REPLACEMENT thread IV (because the first three melted down)

We are talking about a 2-10 Texans team again and how Kubiak needs to be fired along with Marciano, Phillips, Rick Smith, etc., but realize it will not happen because Bob McNair gave Kubiak an eight year extension after a week 1 overtime win against the Jaguars.
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