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Old 12-04-2013   #1
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Default Your dystopian Texans future

I try not to be a glass half empty type of person heading into the next season (and whose mind isn't already already onto 2014 to some extent?), but I decided to do a little "worse case/nightmare/what the hell is happening/is this hell?" scenario projecting.

This is probably not literally the worse possible outcome, but I decided it was so bizarro enough that it could possibly happen to this franchise seeing as this year is a nightmare...so why not extend that nightmare a wee bit further...
  • McNair retains ALL coaches and front office staff
  • With our first or second draft pick, we choose Derek Carr
  • Schaub is retained to mentor Carr Dos, becoming the most expensive backup in the league
  • Newton is still starting at RT
  • Fat Randy is still our kicker
  • A sinkhole opens up underneath Houston and sucks down the whole city during one of Kubiak's pressers

What is YOUR bizzaro worst scenario?
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Old 12-04-2013   #2
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Quote:
Originally Posted by IlliniJen View Post
I try not to be a glass half empty type of person heading into the next season (and whose mind isn't already already onto 2014 to some extent?), but I decided to do a little "worse case/nightmare/what the hell is happening/is this hell?" scenario projecting.

This is probably not literally the worse possible outcome, but I decided it was so bizarro enough that it could possibly happen to this franchise seeing as this year is a nightmare...so why not extend that nightmare a wee bit further...
  • McNair retains ALL coaches and front office staff
  • With our first or second draft pick, we choose Derek Carr
  • Schaub is retained to mentor Carr Dos, becoming the most expensive backup in the league
  • Newton is still starting at RT
  • Fat Randy is still our kicker
  • A sinkhole opens up underneath Houston and sucks down the whole city during one of Kubiak's pressers

What is YOUR worst scenario?
I wouldn't be surprised if Schaub is retained as our #2. $10mil out of his $14mil is dead money and there could certainly be worse back ups that would could get.

Newton starting is unfortunately a real possibility.

Randy is a possibility seeing as how we spent a fifth rounder on him.

The first one certainly won't happen as far coaching being retained. On another note, why start a thread like this to spread more doom and gloom on these boards? Don't get offended by me asking...just wondering what the point of it is. We all know worst case scenario is kubiak being retained. As for the others, who knows what could happen with different coaching.
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Old 12-04-2013   #3
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

I've got multiple but I'll go with 2:

1. We Keep Everyone
This whole lost season is actually a strategic ploy by Kubiak, Smith, and McNair. They've tanked so they can choose Derek Carr with the first pick in the draft.

Kubiak and Smith get another TWO seasons to make it work.

And we go 0-16 two years in a row.

2. We Clean House
McNair cleans house and "does it right." He hires a "real" GM: Bill Polian.

Bill Polian looks around and decides that Tony Dungy is "the guy" and pulls him out of retirement.

They take Derek Carr with the first pick.

And we go 0-16 two years in a row.

Basically, all my dystopian scenarios end up with us being terrible for decades to such a degree that Jags, Browns, and Bills fans feel sorry for us.
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Old 12-04-2013   #4
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Bob McNair moves the team to London and keeps the name Texans. Football doesn't return to Houston before the NFL collapses on itself due to safety issues and player lawsuits.
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Old 12-04-2013   #5
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

I think all (except the last, obviously) can happen at the same time. Schaub sticking around is probably the least likely, but could happen.

I would hope we'd do some major research on Derek Carr before considering him. He is good though and the thought of drafting him (and his family) scares the poop out of me.
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Old 12-04-2013   #6
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

We get a new Head coach, DC and Teddy Bridgewater as the QB and go on to have two back to back losing seasons. Meanwhile, Kubiak and Wade are snatched up by Tampa, trade for Keenum, OD, Arian, and Andre Johnson and go on to win the Superbowl.
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Old 12-04-2013   #7
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

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Originally Posted by escrimador View Post
We get a new Head coach, DC and Teddy Bridgewater as the QB and go on to have two back to back losing seasons. Meanwhile, Kubiak and Wade are snatched up by Tampa, trade for Keenum, OD, Arian, and Andre Johnson and go on to win the Superbowl.
Wow. This would be the worst thing that could happen.
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Old 12-04-2013   #8
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

- McNair retains all coaches
- We pass on Bridgewater & Clowney...for a combine warrior who's not currently on the radar right now
- Jax drafts Manziel
- Schaub is kept & regains the starters role by default (Keenum hurt)
- VY is brought on as a back up
- AJ finally demands a trade
- Arian & Cush comes back, but they're clearly not the same
- We lose Watt for the year

This without a doubt would be the worst case realistic scenario imo...
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Old 12-04-2013   #9
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Bud takes his team and moves to Tennessee..................
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Old 12-04-2013   #10
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

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Originally Posted by DBCooper View Post
Bud takes his team and moves to Tennessee..................
lol
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Old 12-04-2013   #11
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Quote:
Originally Posted by IlliniJen View Post
I try not to be a glass half empty type of person heading into the next season (and whose mind isn't already already onto 2014 to some extent?), but I decided to do a little "worse case/nightmare/what the hell is happening/is this hell?" scenario projecting.

This is probably not literally the worse possible outcome, but I decided it was so bizarro enough that it could possibly happen to this franchise seeing as this year is a nightmare...so why not extend that nightmare a wee bit further...
  • McNair retains ALL coaches and front office staff
  • With our first or second draft pick, we choose Derek Carr
  • Schaub is retained to mentor Carr Dos, becoming the most expensive backup in the league
  • Newton is still starting at RT
  • Fat Randy is still our kicker
  • A sinkhole opens up underneath Houston and sucks down the whole city during one of Kubiak's pressers

What is YOUR bizzaro worst scenario?
It may have already been said but I'd just like to point out that if the first five items on your list actually happen then the sixth one is not necessarily a bad thing.
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Old 12-04-2013   #12
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

A small meteor hits the Texans office building and wipes out all the current staff.


Oh wait, you wanted to talk about the BAD things that could happen.
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Old 12-04-2013   #13
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2slik4u View Post
The first one certainly won't happen as far coaching being retained. On another note, why start a thread like this to spread more doom and gloom on these boards? Don't get offended by me asking...just wondering what the point of it is. We all know worst case scenario is kubiak being retained. As for the others, who knows what could happen with different coaching.
I wanted to explore truly bizarre worst case scenarios, not likely scenarios. Like stuff that would happen to the Texans were they in a Twilight Zone episode. Although I'm sure several would argue that it DOES feel already like we're in some weird alternate universe since the Texans are soooooo bad this year.

I thought it was a fun thought exercise to see how surreal the future of the Texans could be.
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Old 12-04-2013   #14
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Quote:
Originally Posted by IlliniJen View Post
I wanted to explore truly bizarre worst case scenarios, not likely scenarios. Like stuff that would happen to the Texans were they in a Twilight Zone episode. Although I'm sure several would argue that it DOES feel already like we're in some weird alternate universe since the Texans are soooooo bad this year.

I thought it was a fun thought exercise to see how surreal the future of the Texans could be.
Kubiak is fired, and Marciano is promoted to take his place. Rick Dennison is retained as OC, and will obviously now be given 100% playcalling responsibility. Wade publicly requests to be terminated, and is publicly denied. Rick Smith is retained, but placed in a reduced role reporting directly to the new Head Coach with his new responsibilities being primarily the evaluation of cornerbacks and outside linebackers for the draft.

Finally, Head Coach Joe announces that he will maintain his responsibility as ST coordinator and fires the assistant ST coordinator citing redundancy.
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Old 12-04-2013   #15
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Quote:
Originally Posted by IlliniJen View Post
What is YOUR bizzaro worst scenario?
The Astrodome is demolished and to everyone's horror, it is discovered that the evil spirit of Bud Adams had been haunting the once proud building. His disturbed spirit attaches itself to the next closest structure, Reliant Stadium, and the curse of Bud lives on.
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Old 12-04-2013   #16
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

The 2-10 Texans play the 3-9 Jaguars on a Thurdsay night for all the nation to snicker at until Sunday afternoon.

(Actually, that might be a good thing so McNair can hear what the nation thinks of his team)
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Old 12-04-2013   #17
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Roger Carr is named Gm .
He names David Carr Head Coach and OC
Hulk 75 becomes the defensive coordinator

With the 1st pick in the 2014 NFL draft , the Houston select Teddy Bridgewater QB .
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Old 12-04-2013   #18
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Texans make SB, but I die of a massive coronary at the two-minute warning of the AFC Championship game.
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Old 12-04-2013   #19
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Quote:
Originally Posted by Showtime100 View Post
The 2-10 Texans play the 3-9 Jaguars on a Thurdsay night for all the nation to snicker at until Sunday afternoon.

(Actually, that might be a good thing so McNair can hear what the nation thinks of his team)
The Texans win this game losing out on the number one overall pick. Bob McNair directs HC/VP Football Operations Joe Marciano to trade for that number one pick regardless of the cost. In a move reminiscent of Mike Ditka, Coach Joe trades the entire 2014 draft, along with the first round pick from 2015 to the Jags for the overall #1 pick. On May 8th 2014, the Texans proudly turn in the card containing their choice for the #1 overall pick, and are immediately told that Marcus Mariota chose to retain his college eligibility and is therefore not an option. A flustered Texans front office then hurriedly tries to recover from this gaffe, but in the heat of the moment, only one name is even put forth as an alternative to Mariota. Due to the lack of being able to even remember any other players who are actually in the draft (They only had the one pick afterall), the Texans turn in that name just in time to beat the Cleveland Browns, who were about to turn in their choice for the #6 overall pick.

Derek Carr - accompanied by his father - dons the Texans cap, crosses the stage, and shakes the hand of Roger Goodell (Who he doesn't hug because they don't know each other well enough). Derek immediately proclaims that he will dedicate himself to justify being the #1 overall pick in the draft just as his older brother did 12 long years ago. When informed that he was technically the #6 overall pick, Carr than says "Oh, in that case, I will do everything it takes to endeavor to be the 6th best player coming out of this draft". Derek's father and older brother David are seen chuckling and poking each other in the ribs as Derek makes this statement.
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Old 12-04-2013   #20
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

The Texans overhaul the coaching staff and a fair chunk of the players. Cowher power is here baby! We pick up some major free agents and in the draft we select Bridgewater #1. Fans are excited again. In preseason Bridge looks like a god. Cowher says and does all the right things and we start winning...16 straight. We have homefield advantage in the playoffs and clobber all the competition until the AFC championship game.

We're facing the patriots and we're winning 42-13 with 2 minutes left in the game. The crowd begins to buzz and chant "superbowl!"




The Texans take the ball and line up in victory formation...then...








Reliant is blown to hell.
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