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Old 12-04-2013   #1
IlliniJen
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Default Your dystopian Texans future

I try not to be a glass half empty type of person heading into the next season (and whose mind isn't already already onto 2014 to some extent?), but I decided to do a little "worse case/nightmare/what the hell is happening/is this hell?" scenario projecting.

This is probably not literally the worse possible outcome, but I decided it was so bizarro enough that it could possibly happen to this franchise seeing as this year is a nightmare...so why not extend that nightmare a wee bit further...
  • McNair retains ALL coaches and front office staff
  • With our first or second draft pick, we choose Derek Carr
  • Schaub is retained to mentor Carr Dos, becoming the most expensive backup in the league
  • Newton is still starting at RT
  • Fat Randy is still our kicker
  • A sinkhole opens up underneath Houston and sucks down the whole city during one of Kubiak's pressers

What is YOUR bizzaro worst scenario?
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Last edited by IlliniJen; 12-04-2013 at 01:15 PM.
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Old 12-04-2013   #2
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Quote:
Originally Posted by IlliniJen View Post
I try not to be a glass half empty type of person heading into the next season (and whose mind isn't already already onto 2014 to some extent?), but I decided to do a little "worse case/nightmare/what the hell is happening/is this hell?" scenario projecting.

This is probably not literally the worse possible outcome, but I decided it was so bizarro enough that it could possibly happen to this franchise seeing as this year is a nightmare...so why not extend that nightmare a wee bit further...
  • McNair retains ALL coaches and front office staff
  • With our first or second draft pick, we choose Derek Carr
  • Schaub is retained to mentor Carr Dos, becoming the most expensive backup in the league
  • Newton is still starting at RT
  • Fat Randy is still our kicker
  • A sinkhole opens up underneath Houston and sucks down the whole city during one of Kubiak's pressers

What is YOUR worst scenario?
I wouldn't be surprised if Schaub is retained as our #2. $10mil out of his $14mil is dead money and there could certainly be worse back ups that would could get.

Newton starting is unfortunately a real possibility.

Randy is a possibility seeing as how we spent a fifth rounder on him.

The first one certainly won't happen as far coaching being retained. On another note, why start a thread like this to spread more doom and gloom on these boards? Don't get offended by me asking...just wondering what the point of it is. We all know worst case scenario is kubiak being retained. As for the others, who knows what could happen with different coaching.
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Old 12-04-2013   #3
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

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Originally Posted by 2slik4u View Post
The first one certainly won't happen as far coaching being retained. On another note, why start a thread like this to spread more doom and gloom on these boards? Don't get offended by me asking...just wondering what the point of it is. We all know worst case scenario is kubiak being retained. As for the others, who knows what could happen with different coaching.
I wanted to explore truly bizarre worst case scenarios, not likely scenarios. Like stuff that would happen to the Texans were they in a Twilight Zone episode. Although I'm sure several would argue that it DOES feel already like we're in some weird alternate universe since the Texans are soooooo bad this year.

I thought it was a fun thought exercise to see how surreal the future of the Texans could be.
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Old 12-04-2013   #4
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Quote:
Originally Posted by IlliniJen View Post
I wanted to explore truly bizarre worst case scenarios, not likely scenarios. Like stuff that would happen to the Texans were they in a Twilight Zone episode. Although I'm sure several would argue that it DOES feel already like we're in some weird alternate universe since the Texans are soooooo bad this year.

I thought it was a fun thought exercise to see how surreal the future of the Texans could be.
Kubiak is fired, and Marciano is promoted to take his place. Rick Dennison is retained as OC, and will obviously now be given 100% playcalling responsibility. Wade publicly requests to be terminated, and is publicly denied. Rick Smith is retained, but placed in a reduced role reporting directly to the new Head Coach with his new responsibilities being primarily the evaluation of cornerbacks and outside linebackers for the draft.

Finally, Head Coach Joe announces that he will maintain his responsibility as ST coordinator and fires the assistant ST coordinator citing redundancy.
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Old 12-04-2013   #5
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Quote:
Originally Posted by IlliniJen View Post
I wanted to explore truly bizarre worst case scenarios, not likely scenarios. Like stuff that would happen to the Texans were they in a Twilight Zone episode. Although I'm sure several would argue that it DOES feel already like we're in some weird alternate universe since the Texans are soooooo bad this year.

I thought it was a fun thought exercise to see how surreal the future of the Texans could be.
You're right. After the thread took off it turned out to be a little fun after all. Well played.
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Old 12-04-2013   #6
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

I've got multiple but I'll go with 2:

1. We Keep Everyone
This whole lost season is actually a strategic ploy by Kubiak, Smith, and McNair. They've tanked so they can choose Derek Carr with the first pick in the draft.

Kubiak and Smith get another TWO seasons to make it work.

And we go 0-16 two years in a row.

2. We Clean House
McNair cleans house and "does it right." He hires a "real" GM: Bill Polian.

Bill Polian looks around and decides that Tony Dungy is "the guy" and pulls him out of retirement.

They take Derek Carr with the first pick.

And we go 0-16 two years in a row.

Basically, all my dystopian scenarios end up with us being terrible for decades to such a degree that Jags, Browns, and Bills fans feel sorry for us.
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Old 12-04-2013   #7
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Bob McNair moves the team to London and keeps the name Texans. Football doesn't return to Houston before the NFL collapses on itself due to safety issues and player lawsuits.
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Old 12-04-2013   #8
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

I think all (except the last, obviously) can happen at the same time. Schaub sticking around is probably the least likely, but could happen.

I would hope we'd do some major research on Derek Carr before considering him. He is good though and the thought of drafting him (and his family) scares the poop out of me.
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Old 12-04-2013   #9
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

We get a new Head coach, DC and Teddy Bridgewater as the QB and go on to have two back to back losing seasons. Meanwhile, Kubiak and Wade are snatched up by Tampa, trade for Keenum, OD, Arian, and Andre Johnson and go on to win the Superbowl.
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Old 12-04-2013   #10
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

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Originally Posted by escrimador View Post
We get a new Head coach, DC and Teddy Bridgewater as the QB and go on to have two back to back losing seasons. Meanwhile, Kubiak and Wade are snatched up by Tampa, trade for Keenum, OD, Arian, and Andre Johnson and go on to win the Superbowl.
Wow. This would be the worst thing that could happen.
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Old 12-04-2013   #11
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

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Originally Posted by escrimador View Post
We get a new Head coach, DC and Teddy Bridgewater as the QB and go on to have two back to back losing seasons. Meanwhile, Kubiak and Wade are snatched up by Tampa, trade for Keenum, OD, Arian, and Andre Johnson and go on to win the Superbowl.
Would absolutely prove that we are cursed. And we would all vote to dismantle the team and never have pro football in Houston ever again.
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Old 12-05-2013   #12
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Texans play a preseason game in Mexico City, the stadium catches on fire due to eletrical wiring problem, the entire Texans org dies in the fire. BoB's wife sells the team to Cuban. Texans win a SB in 2015 with Eric DeCosta as GM and Brian Billick as HC.
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Old 12-05-2013   #13
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

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It's dystopian for you because you'll need to find another take.
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Originally Posted by Surreal McCoy View Post
Love the internet tough-guy threats. Such a hard, hard man!
What about "It's dystopian for you because you'll need to find another take" is threatening? If you think that's a threat, then you must not get out of the house very often.

If there's anyone trying to be an internet tough guy, it's you. You're advocating the annihilation of an entire city with 6 million residents. I guess it's not a big deal to you. All you'll need to do is pick out another fanbase to troll and get a new avatar.

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Originally Posted by Mr. White View Post
I've asked numerous times and have yet to get an answer. Where are you where fans are so great? Maybe we can learn something from your utopian fanbase.
Still waiting for an answer to this question. I don't expect one since that would probably require more than one sentence.
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Old 12-05-2013   #14
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Trade out of the 1st pick to middle of first round for an extra 2nd rounder this year, 3rd rounder next year to select some obscure OL who will fizzle out in 3 years.

Meanwhile, both Bridgewater and Clowney begin to lay the groundwork for HOF careers.
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Old 12-05-2013   #15
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

New coaching staff selects bridgewater #1 overall and the best available RT at the top of the 2nd, both are outright busts laying the foundations for 5 years of failure whilst tied to the new regime & QB.

Or is that too big of a possibility to bear thinking about?
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Old 12-04-2013   #16
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

- McNair retains all coaches
- We pass on Bridgewater & Clowney...for a combine warrior who's not currently on the radar right now
- Jax drafts Manziel
- Schaub is kept & regains the starters role by default (Keenum hurt)
- VY is brought on as a back up
- AJ finally demands a trade
- Arian & Cush comes back, but they're clearly not the same
- We lose Watt for the year

This without a doubt would be the worst case realistic scenario imo...
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Old 12-04-2013   #17
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Bud takes his team and moves to Tennessee..................
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Old 12-04-2013   #18
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

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Originally Posted by DBCooper View Post
Bud takes his team and moves to Tennessee..................
lol
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Old 12-04-2013   #19
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

Quote:
Originally Posted by IlliniJen View Post
I try not to be a glass half empty type of person heading into the next season (and whose mind isn't already already onto 2014 to some extent?), but I decided to do a little "worse case/nightmare/what the hell is happening/is this hell?" scenario projecting.

This is probably not literally the worse possible outcome, but I decided it was so bizarro enough that it could possibly happen to this franchise seeing as this year is a nightmare...so why not extend that nightmare a wee bit further...
  • McNair retains ALL coaches and front office staff
  • With our first or second draft pick, we choose Derek Carr
  • Schaub is retained to mentor Carr Dos, becoming the most expensive backup in the league
  • Newton is still starting at RT
  • Fat Randy is still our kicker
  • A sinkhole opens up underneath Houston and sucks down the whole city during one of Kubiak's pressers

What is YOUR bizzaro worst scenario?
It may have already been said but I'd just like to point out that if the first five items on your list actually happen then the sixth one is not necessarily a bad thing.
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Old 12-04-2013   #20
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Default Re: Your dystopian Texans future

A small meteor hits the Texans office building and wipes out all the current staff.


Oh wait, you wanted to talk about the BAD things that could happen.
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