View Full Version : Bill Simmons on the NFL....and Texans

09-10-2009, 11:46 AM
Funny article. After reading all the stuff it has truly been a bizarro off season. He calls it the "Tyson Zone." He doesn't predict things going well for the Texans or Cowboys...7-9, which may be a good thing since his predictions are usually off.


For eight solid months, we have been planting the seeds for the loopiest football season ever played. Those seeds bloomed this past weekend with something seemingly spawned from NFL Mad Libs: "Shawne Merriman," "Tila Tequila," "3:45 a.m. choking" and ... go! The ensuing fallout led to nearly 500,000 "Did he perform the Lights Out dance afterward?" tweets, Tequila brazenly attacking Merriman through Twitter, me referring to a human being as "Tequila" in print and Merriman's steadfast denial that he did anything wrong. Merriman said he was preventing his "intoxicated" friend from driving home, with the underlying point being, "In case you didn't notice, she has 'Tequila' in her last name and she became famous as a bisexual MTV serial dater." One of the better legal defenses ever.

On the other hand, Merriman's arrest fits right in with every other weird thing that has happened this offseason. Here are 20 more examples:

18. The Cowboys built a mammoth new stadium in which an overwhelmingly gigantic, state-of-the-art television hangs over the field like the UFO in "Close Encounters" ... only it hangs close enough that punters can routinely kick balls into the scoreboard ... only Dallas owner Jerry Jones refuses to lift it ... which means we might have a game this season in which a road team getting blown out tells its punter to repeatedly kick the ball into the scoreboard 90 to 100 times hoping for a Cowboys forfeit. This will definitely be weird.

Prediction No. VII: I have a rare talent for sniffing out the Bandwagon Sleeper That's Not Actually a Sleeper. But sniffing it out nine months before Week 1? Impressive even for me. In December, I wrote that "the Texans are headed for a respectable 9-7 finish, followed by seven months of building excitement about 2009, then an onslaught of 'I'll tell ya who I like as a sleeper -- the Texans!' media picks ... and they'll immediately crumble under the weight of those expectations and finish 5-11 next season. It's rare to find our Winston Wolf Memorial Popsicle Team for the next season when the current season hasn't ended yet. Can't remember that happening before."

(Put it this way: We are right on schedule. Beware of the Texans. They stink of popsicle juice.)