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Porky
02-07-2006, 03:32 PM
Okay, how about a little levity. Bring your Texans clean jokes, puns, humerous stories, or anything that amuses you about our Texans. I will start. This is all in good fun. Nothing serious here folks. Please save that for other threads.

Our new staff is so inexperienced that instead of a ribbon cutting ceromony to introduce the new staff, they are having an umblical cord cutting ceromony.

Our new staff is so inexperienced that Mcnair has hired an OB/GYN Dr. on staff to spank them when they are introduced.

Our new WR coach was lured to the Texans by the promise of an Xbox and an Ipod. (Thanks Vinny!)

Okay, these are lame. So let's see what you got.

Double Barrel
02-07-2006, 03:54 PM
Our staff is so inexperienced that they'll argue about decisions because they could do it in Madden NFL 2006.

Cjeremy635
02-07-2006, 04:00 PM
I don't have any jokes on the Texans new staff, but I have a few on the team as a whole. Here they go:

The Texan's organization is thinking of changing their name to the Houston Tampons because they are only good for one period and they have no second string.

When the Texans fired Capers, they were considering hiring Monica Lewinski for the head coaching poistion. She might blow a few but we know she won't choke on the big ones.

That's all I can remember right now. I don't know if they stay on this board or get erased because they might be unappropriate material. Anyways, enjoy.:yahoo:

Porky
02-07-2006, 04:03 PM
There once was a Quaterback named Carr, who thought he would really go far...

Until his line caved, and began to misbehave...

And now he is often seen in a bar.

Texan Asylum
02-07-2006, 04:08 PM
The Texan's organization is thinking of changing their name to the Houston Tampons because they are only good for one period and they have no second string.

That's the funniest thing I've read in a while.:tv:

texanpride We CAN laugh at ourselves.

Texan Asylum
02-07-2006, 04:10 PM
The Texan's organization is thinking of changing their name to the Houston Tampons

Hey, would that make our practice squad The Houston CoTexans.:)

Str8tupg42k1
02-07-2006, 04:14 PM
The Texan's organization is thinking of changing their name to the Houston Tampons because they are only good for one period and they have no second string.

When the Texans fired Capers, they were considering hiring Monica Lewinski for the head coaching poistion. She might blow a few but we know she won't choke on the big ones.:


ROLF LMAO Man that was so funny my stomach hurts.That one of the few times I wanted to stop laughing.

TEXANRED
02-07-2006, 04:17 PM
The staff is so inexperienced they read this message board for advise.

Cjeremy635
02-07-2006, 04:33 PM
2006 TEXANS SCHEDULE
September 14................Taft Junior High School
September 21...............Cub Scout Troop ..101
September 28................Houston Blind Academy
October 05.................Spanish American War Vets
October 12................ Crippled Children's Home
October 19............... Montgomery Mental Hospital
October 26................ Girl Scout Troop .. 353
November 02.................Texas Venereal Disease Clinic
November 09.................Sugarland Boys Choir
November 16.................Korean Amputees
SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME
December 08..................Cypress Gay Boys Club
** RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR **
1 - When playing polio patients, the Texans must not disconnect knee braces.
2 - When playing the Blind Academy, the Texans must not hide the football under their jerseys.
** RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR **
1 - A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line for all you Texans fans that have never seen this) it is still worth 6 points.
2 - The Texans will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.
3 - The Texans will be allowed to substitute with band members at anytime.
4 - The Texans will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 3 for the opposing team.
5 - The Texans will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards or more, instead of the usual ten yards.:yahoo:

Porky
02-07-2006, 05:29 PM
Hilarious.

Didn't the Houston blind academy pick off Carr 3 times the last time they played though?

The early line has a pickem on the game with Girl Scout Troop 353.

Jack Bauer
02-07-2006, 05:40 PM
:wow:

TEXANRED
02-07-2006, 05:57 PM
Hilarious.



The early line has a pickem on the game with Girl Scout Troop 353.
Whats the over/under?

Vinny
02-07-2006, 06:00 PM
The Roethlis-burger is a burger named after the popular Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. It costs $7 (the number Ben Roethlisberger wears) at Peppi's restaurants in Pittsburgh; cheese is 7 cents extra. The burger is topped with one and a half pounds of beef and sausage, as well as scrambled eggs, lettuce, tomato and American cheese on a Portuguese roll.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/b/bc/Rothlisburger.jpg/180px-Rothlisburger.jpg

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roethlis-burger

You dont want to see a carr-burger. Its an empty bun with an IOU for some meat later on when they can get better quality pickles and lettuce.

:redtowel:

dirty steve
02-07-2006, 06:03 PM
The Roethlis-burger is a burger named after the popular Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. It costs $7 (the number Ben Roethlisberger wears) at Peppi's restaurants in Pittsburgh; cheese is 7 cents extra. The burger is topped with one and a half pounds of beef and sausage, as well as scrambled eggs, lettuce, tomato and American cheese on a Portuguese roll.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/b/bc/Rothlisburger.jpg/180px-Rothlisburger.jpg

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roethlis-burger

You dont want to see a carr-burger. Its an empty bun with an IOU for some meat later on when they can get better quality pickles and lettuce.



:redtowel:

that was hilarious vinny. you missed the pro-bowlers roethlisberger has to work with on that o-line.

Vinny
02-07-2006, 06:04 PM
that was hilarious vinny. you missed the pro-bowlers roethlisberger has to work with on that o-line.That's where the IOU comes in I guess...:ok:

Porky
02-07-2006, 06:06 PM
Whats the over/under?

2 boxes of Peanut Butter patties, 5 boxes of thin mints, and 4 boxes of caramel deluxe.

jerek
02-07-2006, 06:07 PM
The Roethlis-burger is a burger named after the popular Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. It costs $7 (the number Ben Roethlisberger wears) at Peppi's restaurants in Pittsburgh; cheese is 7 cents extra. The burger is topped with one and a half pounds of beef and sausage, as well as scrambled eggs, lettuce, tomato and American cheese on a Portuguese roll.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/b/bc/Rothlisburger.jpg/180px-Rothlisburger.jpg

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roethlis-burger

You dont want to see a carr-burger. Its an empty bun with an IOU for some meat later on when they can get better quality pickles and lettuce.

:redtowel:

I am as much a DC fan as you will find, but I have to say; this and some of the others are good stuff, no matter who you like or don't like. Even I can get a good laugh out of some of these ...

TEXANRED
02-07-2006, 06:08 PM
The Roethlis-burger is a burger named after the popular Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. It costs $7 (the number Ben Roethlisberger wears) at Peppi's restaurants in Pittsburgh; cheese is 7 cents extra. The burger is topped with one and a half pounds of beef and sausage, as well as scrambled eggs, lettuce, tomato and American cheese on a Portuguese roll.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/b/bc/Rothlisburger.jpg/180px-Rothlisburger.jpg

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roethlis-burger

You dont want to see a carr-burger. Its an empty bun with an IOU for some meat later on when they can get better quality pickles and lettuce.

:redtowel:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I heard for 86 extra cents it comes with a side of Gaffney Cola that spills out of its cup right before it crosses the counter.

TEXANRED
02-07-2006, 06:14 PM
2 boxes of Peanut Butter patties, 5 boxes of thin mints, and 4 boxes of caramel deluxe.
You had me at caramel deluxe.:)

Vinny
02-07-2006, 06:16 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I heard for 86 extra cents it comes with a side of Gaffney Cola that spills out of its cup right before it crosses the counter.very nice. funny stuff

Jack Bauer
02-07-2006, 06:19 PM
You dont want to see a carr-burger

You better not take a bite of the carr-burger because when you take a bite, someone blindsides you...

FILO_girl
02-07-2006, 06:20 PM
The Roethlis-burger is a burger named after the popular Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. It costs $7 (the number Ben Roethlisberger wears) at Peppi's restaurants in Pittsburgh; cheese is 7 cents extra. The burger is topped with one and a half pounds of beef and sausage, as well as scrambled eggs, lettuce, tomato and American cheese on a Portuguese roll.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/b/bc/Rothlisburger.jpg/180px-Rothlisburger.jpg

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roethlis-burger

You dont want to see a carr-burger. Its an empty bun with an IOU for some meat later on when they can get better quality pickles and lettuce.

:redtowel:

I don't care if you are a Carr, VY, RB or TD (trade down) lover, that is funny!

Porky
02-07-2006, 06:21 PM
You better not take a bite of the carr-burger because when you take a bite, someone blindsides you...

That's the spirit.

Hey, I heard they are serving Bradford jello for dessert. It just shakes all around, then goes flying out of the dish.

Jack Bauer
02-07-2006, 06:23 PM
That's the spirit.

Hey, I heard they are serving Bradford jello for dessert. It just shakes all around, then goes flying out of the dish.

The zero calorie (diet) portion of the menu features tight ends. They are on the menu, but they don't add anything to your meal.

TEXANRED
02-07-2006, 06:30 PM
Are Capers still on the menu?

run-david-run
02-07-2006, 06:35 PM
this thread should be a sticky...

rmartin65
02-07-2006, 07:04 PM
Pbuc steak, slightly burnt.

Double Barrel
02-07-2006, 07:33 PM
You dont want to see a carr-burger. Its an empty bun with an IOU for some meat later on when they can get better quality pickles and lettuce.

:redtowel:

LMFAO!!! And don't forget, all for the great price of $35.00 per burger!! :heh:

powerfuldragon
02-07-2006, 07:37 PM
Pbuc steak, slightly burnt.

wow. i thought that said 'pubic steak'

gross.

powerfuldragon
02-07-2006, 07:39 PM
Corey Bradford couldn't catch syphallis in Thailand.

Kaiser Toro
02-07-2006, 07:43 PM
Our new staff is so inexperienced that they just may surprise us all. Including Lil Shanny and his whiz bang crew.

I do kid about the kid and look forward to buying him a beer someday. Seriously.:thud:

rmartin65
02-07-2006, 07:54 PM
wow. i thought that said 'pubic steak'

gross.
Yea, that would be bad.

michaelm
02-07-2006, 08:12 PM
Our coaching staff is so inexperienced, they think David Carr can be a good QB someday!


OK, I think he can as well, but I couldn't pass up the shot.

gtexan02
02-07-2006, 09:09 PM
Our staff is so inexperienced, they get carded before watching game film

(Rated R for violence)

run-david-run
02-07-2006, 10:07 PM
savage beatings...

Big78
02-07-2006, 11:39 PM
there is also the dominic davis hot skillet dinner at the bottom of the menu. Its the one no one ever orders, but when someone finally does, everyone wants to try some. Personnaly i love it, and order it every time. Its only $3.70, isnt too much food, but packs a punch.




p.s., it also comes with a free salad and french fries.

:boxing:

Hervoyel
02-08-2006, 12:08 AM
One thing we shouldn't forget. Our original coaching staff had a lot of experience. We all saw what happened there.

I'm willing to give the pups a chance. They can't be any worse than the retreads were.

College Texan
02-08-2006, 01:59 AM
Our new staff is so inexperienced.........

That practices won't begin until after three when the bus drops them off and McNair walks them to the practice field.

G-Funk to them is grandpa funk.

The Cheerleaders are taking on the task of bringing huggies and strollers to games.

clandestin
02-08-2006, 02:06 AM
John Mclain's interview with new defensive coordinator Richard Smith:

Mclain: Welcome to Houston, Richard Smith. How are you planning to handle the switch to a 4-3, given the current personnel on the roster? And how are you planning to improve a defense that ranked near the bottom of the league in both rush and pass defense?

Smith: Well john, after reviewing the tape it doesn't look like we'll be running much of a 4-3 after all. For example, on run downs we'll be primarily using a new set we're calling the 10-1.

Mclain: What the heck is a 10-1?

Smith: Well we think the 10-1 makes a lot of sense after looking at game tapes from last year. On running downs we'll be asking everyone but Dunta Robinson to lay down parallel to the line of scrimmage. Our hope is that those 10 players will act as a big ole' speed bump to slow down the rushing attack for a quarter-second or so, which is more than they did last year. With all that open field the other players won't get in Dunta's way like they did last year, so he can run all the way across the field to make the tackle just a little bit quicker.

Mclain: Sounds innovative!!! What's your plan for passing downs?

Smith: Well you've probably heard of the nickle, dime, and quarter defenses. This year we'll be breaking out what we've termed the '100-dolla defense.' It's a 5-5-1 alignment. On the snap the front five will be throwing wads of cash at the feet of the Wide Receivers, Offensive Lineman, and Tight Ends. This should freeze the offense while they take the time to pick up the money----

Mclain:----WAIT! Won't that affect the cap?

Smith: Actually no, we've asked the players to provide the cash themselves from what's left over from those giant signing bonuses that they haven't really earned. They eventually agreed after we threatened to release them all--NOBODY wants to play in Canada, John.

Mclain: I see, so the first 5 in the 5-5-1 100-dolla-defense throw cash, what do the rest do?

Smith: Well John, you saw our pass coverage on film last year and so have we. We've decided to mix it up this year with something inspired by another sport. Have you ever seen the crowd at a basketball game when the other team is shooting a free throw?

Our middle 5 will be grouped together in the middle of the field waving their arms around and hollaring...and we're trying to get league permission so that they can carry those balloon clapper thingies. We think this will really un-nerve the opposing QB and force him into off-target throws.

That leaves Dunta as 1 in the 5-5-1. We expect him to be make the pro-bowl after picking off all those errant throws.

Mclain: This sounds pretty radical. Are you sure this throwing money on the ground thing is going to work?

Smith: John baby, this is the new NFL. One of the best receivers in football sat out half a year cause he couldn't feed his family after signing a bazillion dollar contract! You don't think that guy wouldn't stop his route to scoop up some cash???

Mclain: Point taken. Good luck with the new gig.

samomin
02-08-2006, 02:08 AM
.....our WR coach met AJ and asked for his autograph.

Kaiser Toro
02-08-2006, 08:53 AM
Our staff is so inexperienced that they think Carr has to do a better job of looking off safeties, improving his footwork and vision.

chuckm
02-08-2006, 08:57 AM
Our new staff is so inexperienced that they actually read this message board to glean its football knowledge ....

Texan Asylum
02-08-2006, 09:22 AM
Our staff is so inexperienced...they thought the Houston Oilers moved to Edmonton.

Big B Texan Fan
02-08-2006, 09:37 AM
Our new staff is so inexperienced - they ate a couple of Rubiks Cube but failed to poop them solved.

jacquescas
02-08-2006, 09:38 AM
our staff is so inexperienced that touching them is illegal in all 50 states, but that didn't stop the local clergy.

Texan Asylum
02-08-2006, 09:46 AM
Way to group them all together. I suppose ALL clergy are that way...in YOUR mind.:challenge

BigBull17
02-08-2006, 10:04 AM
Our WR coach brings a Scooby Doo lunch box to the game and makes adjustments by coloring X's and O's with crayons. And he needed his dad to sign a permission slip for away games or its a federal crime.

Porky
02-08-2006, 10:30 AM
Our new staff is so inexperienced that when they say they are bringing a Lucky Charm to the game, they mean the cereal.


They need their parents permission to see last year's game film because it is rated R for rotten.

What's the difference between David Carr and a yoyo?

None. They both go up and down up and down until the owner stops pulling all the strings.

Kaiser Toro
02-08-2006, 10:33 AM
Gas can, meet match. :howdy:

LBC_Justin
02-08-2006, 11:18 AM
If you panic at the counter and don't know what meal to order you can audible into a new meal. Unfortuantely the new meal is always the same and it includes a large helping of "stuffed at the line of scrimmage eggs" and is always followed by a big glass of Punt.

Cjeremy635
02-08-2006, 11:36 AM
OK, these aren't as good as mine yesterday and they're cheesy but here goes:

Why were the Texans at the bank?
They wanted to get there quarterback!

On the seventh day, God said, "Let there be football."

And it was good.

Later on that day, God said, "Let there be one team to rule the others and set the standard for excellence."

With that, he plucked a star from the heavens and placed on the helmet in the eye of the bull.

God said, "Let it be called the Houston Texans"

Later that day, God said, "Even Texans need jerks." So he made their fans.

cadahnic
02-08-2006, 11:37 AM
OK, these aren't as good as mine yesterday and they're cheesy but here goes:

Why were the Texans at the bank?
They wanted to get there quarterback!

On the seventh day, God said, "Let there be football."

And it was good.

Later on that day, God said, "Let there be one team to rule the others and set the standard for excellence."

With that, he plucked a star from the heavens and placed on the helmet in the eye of the bull.

God said, "Let it be called the Houston Texans"

Later that day, God said, "Even Texans need jerks." So he made their fans.
must admit that is kinda funny...

Cjeremy635
02-08-2006, 11:40 AM
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on

OzzO
02-08-2006, 01:15 PM
Our new staff is so inexperienced that the "January posters" that rolled in have more tenure with the Texans than the coaching staff.

Texan Asylum
02-08-2006, 02:31 PM
Our new staff is so inexperienced that they're not going to burn ANY bridges when they take what is percieved as a miserable team and RAM a winning season down the rest of the NFL's throat.

YEA, BABY...GO TEXANS!!!

:fans: :highfive: :wherewill :gotexans1

Maddict5
02-09-2006, 11:11 AM
the texans staff is so inexperienced they're goin to have a game of marbles with the jets for the trade down(and if kubiak loses he'll bully mangini until he agrees-although that will cause a long running feud between their daddy's and between the whole Shanahan-Belichick families)

Porky
02-09-2006, 02:15 PM
What's David Carr's favorite movie?

Falling Down

What's David Carr's favorite toy?

Weebles

What's David Carr's favorite song?

I Get Knocked Down, But I Get Up Again by Chumbawamba

Lucky
02-09-2006, 02:39 PM
What's David Carr's favorite song?

I Get Knocked Down, But I Get Up Again by Chumbawamba
We'll be singing
When we're winning
We'll be singing
I get knocked down
But I get up again
You're never going to keep me down

I love that song! Should be the Texans theme song for '06.

This part seems more like Big Ben's favorite tune:

He drinks a whisky drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a lager drink
He drinks a cider drink

:)

BigBull17
02-10-2006, 10:36 AM
What's David Carr's favorite movie?

Falling Down

What's David Carr's favorite toy?

Weebles
What's David Carr's favorite song?

I Get Knocked Down, But I Get Up Again by Chumbawamba

Dont you mean BoBo the Clown? You know the toy that you knock down over and over... no that would be the O-Lines favorite toy.